Saturday, December 25, 2010

Can yesterday continue today?

Not thinking straight, my head jumbled with thoughts.
Wanting things that scare me blind
I can’t think clearly, my decisions chosen quickly and carried out clumsy reactions

Words make no sense, guarded by emotions that give me butterflies
I’m so scared, I stand still to immobilize chaotic ideas around me
When nothing stops I don’t know what to do

Years apart melt away as if everything happened yesterday, is now today,
your hold so familiar

What do I want, what do I need, what do I say when my nerves freeze as soon as words pass through my lips.

For the first time I have no idea what I should do. I crave you more but can’t let you know just yet. This drives me crazy, so scared to mess up. Like me for me and take me in your arms once again. This time don’t let go and I promise to hold on.

Circular laps running still

Remembering past decisions with no words of regret
But sometimes curiosity lingers, wondering what I have done

Have I treated others badly?
Been careless with hearts given to me?
Are my actions selfish and egocentric?

I can picture a time with you. The days we shared, the connection that came so easily.
I pushed you away and ignored what we had.
Scared by what I saw in your eyes.

Keeping my fingers crossed I hope that I wasn’t careless, hurtful.

Truth be told, I’ve thought of you often. I’m not sure how you’ve stuck around in my head.

So here we are full circle, years brought maturity, distance between.
Now our paths cross once again. Destiny is a weird game I don’t understand
Learning as I go.

Family ties

Our relationship is one of passing ships
Blaring horns hello as we go from port to port

I have no doubt you’d be there for me if a crisis arose and I needed your help.

It’s the everyday stuff I need you for. A warming voice a helping hand that I have longed for since I was a child seeking your approval but never really getting it.

To be honest our relationship sucks. I call you to talk, ask for your advice
Answer the call with an annoyed too busy for you tone of voice each time “WHAT---“ then just end the call with no goodbye

Do you know these actions hurt those around you? Do you know how the tone of your voice can make me feel useless and unimportant?

I’ve tried to build a relationship with you, one better than we have. But its been no use because each time I do it’s canceled, rebooked or forgotten.

Why do I have to get upset, frustrated with tears before you help me. This family is treading on water, relationships thin as paper.


I cannot trust you as I once did.
I tread through words to ensure my safety when I’m with you.

I’m on high alert watching my every step. Trust abused has not been earned back.

The one I relied on calls only when something is needed from me. I foolishly give and adjust myself to fit this image projected on to me.

I give you take and take some more, so wrapped up in a tiny bubble of your world. I don’t understand why you don’t care, how you act like all is normal and take from me, it’s bigger that this.

Can you see this tipping scale, it’s plain to see, careful now its all about to

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Matching Pieces

What blows through my mind when I think of you

Puzzles with no pictures, feelings undefined

Distance tames a heart too quick to jump in the deep, too giving before it’s earned

A links been open, I’m feeling pulled in a direction with small stepping stones

It’s these stones that turn to fast, forming leaps of faith. Reminding myself there’s no rush. I clench my teeth and resist the urge.

Another moment with you, come closer.
I have you already; you make me nervous too soon

Fits on all ends


A vision you’ve created, now take stance!
A creature I dread and feel no connection too.

What have you done with words in print, pure ignorance, sheer adolescence

I walk in fear as I stay in the light, terrified you’re in the shadows. Keeping a watch on my every move.

Pace grows faster as I sprint away from you. All relations ceased, finger held firmly on the panic, keys in hand.

You’ve twisted a framed disaster, how do you feel now?

Time to stop you're teetering on insanity

No ties left, they’re all undone
Leave me here, don’t you dare come back
I was done before we even started


There’s a wrecking ball inside my head destroying all my sanity.

Shutting the door with your foot in the way

Leaving me with questions. I can’t find the words. What was this thing now passed by?

Linger here longer, playing stories in your head. They eat away at a heart forced not to feel.

I’m standing strong, hold my ground. You don’t know me, only a flicker that once past.

Keeping links open, do you know what you do? I’m done trying it's up to you.

I turn my back and walk away, picking up pace the further I stray.

In Control

A change for the better
A change for the worse

Who is this
Someone not often noticed
Full of false hopes and useless fillers

It’s different here, pealing back protective layers
Care is given freely but never asked in return

Too proud to admit defeat
Too concrete to appear weak

A stone stood tall with long blond hair
Seeing a reflection for the 1st time

Loving yourself comes easy for most
But now must be learned
As the for the first time, the needs of others placed last

Burn The Doormat

My emotions seem to build and attack a heart already broken
Along the way I’ve lost control and miss-placed this confidence

Strength is something I will rebuild
Trust in my instinct redeemed

My hearts done being weak. I’ve learned too much the hard way.

So goodbye mistakes, there’s no place for you here
As I pick up my sword then shield the powers that once consumed me

Thick skin, something I once had. Will sustain this form again.

Awakening the inner Scorpio, I rise once more.
Reborn to take possession of my true destiny

My heart still cares, surrounded by guards of war.

Stealthy moves

A creeper out creeping, there’s mistaken confidence translated to friendship
Casual banter transforms into innocent flirtations.

Standing back waiting, need more

Wet Air

Drowning in the wind, I can’t get out
These gusts come rushing over my head and pull me under

Floating here I can’t tread the wind
Rolling blankets capsizing and vigilantly drawn below

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Forced Mutation

Fleeing to water taking in the air, a salty pungent smell. Street lamps barely light these pages as the sun bids good night to the moon. Loved ones collide and come together, yet here I sit alone.

City lights sparkle like stars before their time. Surrounded by beauty, greedily wanting more.

Turning a page, I learn to care less changing who I am as I carefully piece swatches of fabric together to embody my next act.

When truth means nothing, words unsaid are feelings left unacknowledged.

Now there's nothing

Balance Abandoned

Frustrated with life, wanting escape
But craving companionship

Try to gain control
But loosing strength

Being supportive
But not being heard

Disturbed Anger Saddens my Soul

Go to that place you won’t find me there
No escape from this, there’s no way out

Don’t ask me how I feel, you’ll get no answer out of me.
I suffer in silence with no one there.
I will not speak.

My hand reaches out, the worlds too busy without me.
I walk this tight rope road, with bloody stains marking my path.
It digs in, a raging pain that never leaves.

This pain won’t get into me, it won’t take control.
A wall that will not fall, even as pieces crumble away.

My perspective is missed, as again and again it gets dumped on me.

Where’s my angel, left me alone always
My wings damaged from giving too much

I can’t voice these frustrations that float about.
Interpretations take too many liberties without seeing true meaning.

I’d leave if I could, run from it all
These anchors hold me in place as I tug and pull trying to get free,
Running on this treadmill, too long

Sick with pain, it’s all buried in here
Coming up to hurt me more as I dig deeper to hide it all

It's lonely here, with only this ghost standing by my side,
shaking his head in disappointment
Not speaking at all

My strength is only here because I am as stubborn as can be
Don’t want to be alone with my thoughts I drowned them out with mind numbing routines, just to pass time

I’m hurt but I can’t tell you, you can’t hear me as I am.
So instead I vent to paper without judgment.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Obscure impression

I reach for you, but you’re not there
You have no face because I don’t know who you are

A figure of my desires not yet reality

Left here with no instructions
Lost on a path that cuts in all directions

Bumping along the ground is sharp and digs deep

Blood seeps out
Continue on

Path ahead
Don’t go back
It will come with


Dizzy with words
Flying by
Pressing against lips
But never liberated
Imprisoned between mind and heart

The bitch you all made of me

Pin it down
Contain it all
No drops plunge
No sounds made

Dig it up and burry it all
Holding your breath in shades of purple

Strength taken
Confidence gone
Here come the costumes
Frills and embellishments

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Once was now

Looking back to press forward
Conjuring strength to manifest control
Taking it all back
Rewinding pitfalls, a firm grip with idealism

Pealing back layers,
To better discover
Once was true predicts the future

Monday, July 5, 2010


There once was a girl much older than her years lived. Her experiences taught her life lessons much earlier than most. She lived through times one cannot imagine and came through as a strong woman.

But, she did not know of this strength.

She was an analyst, insightful about all those around her. If you’d ask her to help, she wouldn’t hesitate to lend a hand. She was beautiful inside and out. She had a way about her that attracted others to her.

But, she was not conscious of the power she held.

She was a healer, a caregiver to those around her. Many were captivated by her presence and yet she struggled with the messes of day-to-day life. Her mind beat down her passion as often she found herself thinking too much.

So here you are my darling, see what we all see here: A strong woman, with amazing power, grab hold and experience what is simply waiting for you to find. Let those thoughts drift out of your mind and release them to paper, don’t look back, don’t share, let them sit on these pages and vanish.

Just know this, you’ll be ok. I promise it will all work out. Learn from the experiences presented to you and tackle the next.

Monday, June 28, 2010


As I step back my wall slowly appears in front of me
All too familiar
I watch it grow as the block breaks the path between you and I

You’ve done it now, there’s no turning back
Stepping tippy toed, taking a glimpse of a power you once held so ignorantly

Sad thing is, you don’t even know
I’ve captured you already
Just wait and see
It will become clear, when time decides

The tricky things is
My heart moves on, not held in one place
My peace has been said

Yours is stuck, you’ll feel it soon
As you shut out the panics of your mind and finally hear your heart

It will all come undone for us see
Hidden between the two

Learn from it now,
Don’t let me be.


I catch your eye
Just a glance, a smile
Walk my way; I’ll run a mile

Don’t come close
Toxic as can be
Fall too easily
Not easily fallen

Waiting, waiting
Time ticks on
No changes here as I carry on

Keep walking
Pass me by
Not worth the time

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Without an answer…

I think I’m little too jaded by my past. These things that I have moved past still haunt me when I’m not paying attention. Stuck here on these pages I ramble on and keep dumping this torment on you.

I’m sick of being stuck; putting so much effort in for others and not getting anything back. It hurts when you find yourself alone too much, loosing more inch by inch as time passes.

I am tough when I lie to the world around me about my thick skin. I bleed just as easy when no ones looking.

I’ve learned to parade around, bending the truth, displaying this mannequin as my true identity. I can’t remember the last time I was me, no holding back. I look out for others but don’t know how to look out for myself.

Truth is you wouldn’t even recognize me if you met me. My act edited for every detail. Seeing this transpire… a car crash you can’t take your eyes off.

I don’t know what I want, or what can fix this labyrinth I navigate through daily. Stopping stopping to translate this mess. I spill through my fingers to liberate the pressure.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

?Me? ?Myself? & ??

It’s amazing the conversations you hold in you head for no one else to hear, every word unsaid. Contemplating life, everyday choices, what’s happening and where to go.

I imagine how things could be different, where I might be, who I could be. I yearn to live in the moment, fly off the handle and act irrationally. Instead I require planning and too much control over my own destiny, am I asking too much?

I’m learning to let go and relax within each situation; my life is mine to make what I want.

I’ll admit I’m a little lost, unable right now to read where I should go.

My commitments here, keep me locked in place. Even though my soul fights to be free. I need to find my escape, my something to discover. For I feel as if I’m settling for the life of the norm.

I desire to be carefree and to do as I please. To speak my mind, affect the life of others and to make a difference.

It’s all happening too slowly. Am I stuck in one place? Or can I not see what I already have?

I will find my answers, when it’s time, here reading between the lines.


I sprinkle my fairy dust over you to keep you safe
This way you’ll keep while I’m gone

My effect on you and all the others goes unnoticed until there’s no dust let to save you from yourself

Everything comes crashing down as it all blows away
No tiny grains left to ease the damage
Not knowing or understanding what’s going on, you call out for help
Seeking your angel once again.

Reaching for me, sometimes feels too far
Taking all your strength
Careful not to fall, you grab your guardian once again

Holding me by the hand, shielded by my power
Encased by gentle wings

Craving the protection, my power to relieve your pain
Careful with what you do
Don’t drain me down, I can not deny your needs

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Unleash the Unknown...Exhale

Darling your mind is torturing your body with everything, too busy to stress, too stressed to be busy.

Occupying your mind with too much taken on, the silence hurts more than it should, when holding conversations with your heart and your head.

I repeat advice I finally learned to take myself… breathe in and out and release it all
No holding on, don’t keep it all for later.
Talk to me, always close to listen

I worry about you and wish I could make it all better.
But for now we’ll take one step at a time
Let me carry some weight it’s just too much to hold.

This is it

Systems functioning as normal as can be.
Fuel can be toxic, the engines strong, no putters, no misses spitting out

Pointing a finger at two, I blame you and you
No pressure left, nothing to stress
It’s me that I want to be, can finally be.

Anxiety is something that only comes around from time to time, yet its gone before the urge to run and break free could ever take me over… as it once did

Funny how things are connected that way.
Never would have known without the perspective of jumping out and stepping back away from you two.

This is my now as I march forward freely.
My past is a part of me that can no longer control my mind, suffocate my soul or trash my heart.

It covers my body as I’m ready for the unimaginable and the ecstasy I know awaits me.

Waiting to finish

So much I want to write down
No patience to spill, it won’t be authentic
So drained when I do
Difficulty writing the parts of me to pages of my life, that’s stuck in one spot…
The end is only the beginning
Of another chapter
Another piece that needs to be told
And not undone


Where am I now with all that I have? A support system for many, a rock they say… with no tears. I learn through experience. Hard to take advice from others.

Wish you were HERE

I sit here in pain, looking at pictures of you, of us
Tears come to my eyes, but I won’t let them out.

It’s hard to deal with the fact that you’re gone
Gone forever

I’m aching, just wanting you back
I’m not ready to do this without you

I don’t know how to make it stop, I’m not sure what to do

I busy myself, to occupy my thoughts
Only to find it hurts even more when I stop.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Most Amazing...

Let me tell you about a woman of all time…Born in a small house, she grew up as a middle child, her fathers’ daughter and a beautiful vibrant girl. She wore pretty dresses, had beautiful golden hair, spoke ever so eloquently, and took pride in her strong relationships with her family. She grew up fast taking on the roles of a young adult very quickly. You could get by on a quarter a day; take the bus with a penny.

She grew up with no running water, no internet or phone. She worked different jobs, secretarial & childcare, all the while remaining in her hometown. She watched the city grow, as she was a bystander to its development. She stood by to see momentous changes in daily life, electricity, telephones, TVs, & indoor plumbing becoming things that no one thinks twice about. She was employed at 15, engaged at 21 and married at 22. Her favorite colour is thalo blue and she loved to curl and swim at the Winter Club. She has a love for the outdoors, the gift of a beautiful voice and a hand that captured landscapes with oil paints. She loves her cars, the Oldsmobile, the Impala and carries herself in such a prestigious manner.

She fell in love with a man that captured her soul and gave her 4 children. She’s traveled the world and shares her travels with pride, if you choose to listen. She cares so deeply for all of her family and believes in each and everyone.

If she has you over for tea, expect to be treated like royalty as she often dines with the queen. She’ll roll her eyes at you when she’s being cheeky and put you in your place if need be, her words only spoken with love. She has her own language “please pass me the jigger” but you’ll always know what she means.

This woman is no ordinary woman. She is a very special person indeed. This woman is my hero. The woman is my grandma.

Grandma, I love you more than words could ever express. Love you so! C

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Cause she’s gone gone gone gone.

Grandma where have you gone.
I haven’t felt you once, even thought I’m so broken inside.
You left too soon, taking my heart with you.

I feel numb I just want you back.
How do I go on without the woman I would run to?

I will miss our afternoon teas, our chats and goofy times together.
I will cherish my memories and be thinking of you always.

You’re an amazing lady, one of the last of your kind.
I wish I had more time.
Life won’t be the same with out you.

I love you so, goodbye.


This dream is my nightmare, it just won't go away.
Tensions built up in my muscles and continues to grow.
I’m hurting a hurt I have never known.

I can’t seem to fine me or where I belong.
Liquid poison numbs my thoughts, pushing normality farther and farther away.

Reality is rushing back with the force of a wrecking ball
Heading straight for me.

Standing my ground
Firm feet in spot
I don’t move, stare directly ahead
A perfect target.

Time will determine my fate as my body keeps beating my mind and breaking my heart.

This dream is my reality, this dreams my life.

Emptied Life

Hit me hard and please wake me up
Pinch me, shake me and don’t let go.
This can’t be happening.

I can’t feel a thing and yet I’m gonna be sick.

I can’t

I can’t

I can’t

Until now I didn’t have any regrets.

Must be done

The darkness brings a pain lie no other
As the clouds turn gray and release buckets upon buckets I can’t help but think they represent how I feel.
Stormy clouds settle in and are here to stay, permanently pouring down pain.

I lye awake in my bed thinking of you. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did.
Tears fall freely, I have no control now, I’ve lost another one on my search for something… something that I cannot explain.

I double think my decisions wondering if it’s right.
Assuring myself, that I don’t know what I’m doing any more.

Sad songs play on as I try to become unconscious.
Not aware that my dreams are here to torment me
No rest for now.

Keeping busy makes days pass faster, when 2 days feels like months between us.

I wish I could take away your pain, show you something better is on its way. Because as my past has shown, your one is on its way to find you, just wait.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Contained on the inside

I sit here thinking
Stressing over the idea that I could never bare to loose a friend.
I value you, your opinion and our friendship more than anything.
I was torn at what to do, not sure what you’d think,
Didn’t want to hide something so simple.

I was honest and so were you
I didn’t want any awkwardness
I understand where you are coming from and fully respect it
I love that you look out for me like that, my bestest.

I feel alone yet surrounded by too much family
So I put up a façade, not letting anyone know what truly lies below.
You know the true me and see how I ache inside
With out any words from my mouth you know me too well
I don’t know how you do it
but thank you

Right now, the company is a breath of fresh air
Minds cleared
I’m not that girl
If that’s what he wants he’ll soon find out that’s not what he’s gonna get.
No strings attached

Please trust that no matter what I will be ok
Things will be ok
I’m guarded and not that simple
We used to always say everything happens for a reason; maybe that’s just it

I look to you, I hope that's ok
I have nowhere else to turn.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Not to end

Hold on please
I see that look in your eye
I don’t want to let you go

I’m not ready to loose our conversations, advice you give and your quirky sayings.

Tell me stories
I want to know more
Relive your memories here with me

I still see a spark, lingering there
But need to see more
Show me the will to hold on and be strong,
The one I’ve seen before

I will battle it to the death for you
I can’t let go, I won’t but I need your help

It can’t win if you don’t let it.
Your powerful, it's down there within

I can’t live without you, I’m not ready to loose you.

I want to see the smile in your eyes when I marry a boy I don’t know yet
You have to see me pregnant and meet my fist born child

More time in life’s precious moments with you by my side

I love you too much, I can’t let go.


Feeling the urge to call you and you
To get back that old security blanket and find comfort where I did once before

But that blankets long since burned
Tattered to shreds and singed to bits

Its not there any longer
Only fading memories of safety and warmth

Talking to myself
I hold it all in,
One long winded conversation after another

Thoughts surround me
In front, below, behind and overhead
Challenging the facts and emotion struck ideas

Scribbling them out
I can’t push mute,
No button to pause
No emergency hatch

I want the easy
I want my one
But I can not see him?

My angel not a friend

Nope not yet
I’m not ready
Can’t deal with the stress or the thought of nothing
I need somewhere to lean on
To take these thoughts from my head

I see it waiting there
As I barricade the door
Go away

There is no right answer

If I stood here screaming your name at the top of my lungs
Would you hear me?
Would you care that I missed you?
Would you come to my rescue?
Would you know how much you hurt me and why I can never trust you?

How much longer do you remember of a time long ago, when you cared for me and I was too foolish to know
Would you remember who I am?
Would you know how to heal me?
Would you see into my eyes, into a truth that lies beneath?

Love ramblings

My mind runs miles re-thinking past loves. Those loves “in the moment” “loves for a lifetime” and “love for the one.” I re create my past decisions wondering if it could have gone any other way, if there was something I should have, could have done to change something I once knew. The feelings were real within those moments I shared. But were they real enough to last forever, to build a tomorrow on? Well, I guess not. Because if they were, wouldn’t they be here with me? Or shouldn’t they be here no matter what I did, thought I did, wouldn’t they fight? I wait, I wait for that feeling to last longer. For me to never feel the need to let go? Why is something so simple so hard? Maybe that’s it, maybe I have never known an equal love. Maybe my past is filled with unbalanced giving and taking. Taking more of me as each new “love” comes my way until there is no more me. I’m lost.

Over – with – you

You pull my emotions
Play my weaknesses
And yet I still stand there, when you call.
Our story played it self out a long time ago
Feelings crumbled and vanished forever
I’ve banished you from me but can still hear you knocking on my door

So please go away, stop that racket
And learn to live without my strength
Without me waiting there to catch you when you fall so deep down you barely recognize yourself

You can make it on your own you
Don’t need me
I’m not a security blanket for you to hold

I just can’t invest any of me into you
My heart lies with someone else much more worthy than you
Someone I care about much more than what my head will let me think

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Where’s the emergency exit?

Testing, testing 1,2,3…
Here we come reminding you of where you’ve been
A flash of light, a glimmer you catch
Putting pressure on cracks once healed

Reliving those moments of desire, rethinking choices and paths chosen

In the face of pain, not to repeat
Emotions that had no foundation

Hope remains something unseen, hearing the words but needing proof

Was it here or there or somewhere between?
Was it true or a trance of perfect?
That only lives in the young hearts untouched by wicked

It’s a balancing act of survival you see
Meet on need but not the other
Time to trip and fall, with no sharp landings.

Timid Control

Delusioned boy acting out lies of insecurities
Wants the best of two worlds
Barely living in one, while keeping a firm grasp on the other. She’s not allowed to leave

You could be happy living in one world
Along side one with no balancing act between your thoughts

Yet your indecision remains in each step you make keeping the fog pulled over your eyes.

When judgment crosses

The truths been told
Laid out clearly to see
Relief has come for brief moments of peace

Curious confusions put to fact
What was there all along

Yet stress and panic crash down once more
As I live here with you, in the shades of gray

I can’t explain it I just know its you
But not willing to admit it, I live in rhymes waiting for your move

You know its here as you ignore our passion
In a stage you haven’t worked through, not ready to move forward

Time will come I’m sure
You’ll see
When final decisions live eternally from our connection

No where to turn I stare blankly in front of me
Seeing nothing but haze.

Ridged Solution

A fairy tale façade chips away as piece-by-piece reality takes stage.
I crumble inside holding together the parts of me force apart and heading in different directions.
Inspirations left me falling into something so liquid

Giving up the things I love
I’ve lost a part of me from there to here

Completing a circle I find myself where I once was before.
Torn between him and a dream of you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sometimes I think too much but say nothing at all

Paralyzed from emotions of sorrow
I sway in still-time
Overwhelmed by a sickening feeling in my gut

I watched as it slowly fell to pieces
A bystander to destruction

Walk away with pain in your eyes
I hurt you too much
While causing you to feel something too real

In the blink of an eye it’s gone
Lost back where it begun
Too far ahead there’s no going back

The hardest thing my heart made me do was to tell you I don’t love you
I do not hate just care too much
I see where you have gone

As anger builds within, heal the wounds
And release the pain
For what not easy was never meant to be

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Across from me?

I sit here across from you
Seeing your lips move with no sounds
I wonder if I missing it
If it’s sitting here in front of me
As I watch it pass me by

Ever wonder when we know
How to tell which way to go
You’re here with me
But only for now
As our path separate
Diverge once again

Flash encounters of life
Looking for the thing we need
Seeing it starring back at me