Saturday, December 25, 2010

Can yesterday continue today?

Not thinking straight, my head jumbled with thoughts.
Wanting things that scare me blind
I can’t think clearly, my decisions chosen quickly and carried out clumsy reactions

Words make no sense, guarded by emotions that give me butterflies
I’m so scared, I stand still to immobilize chaotic ideas around me
When nothing stops I don’t know what to do

Years apart melt away as if everything happened yesterday, is now today,
your hold so familiar

What do I want, what do I need, what do I say when my nerves freeze as soon as words pass through my lips.

For the first time I have no idea what I should do. I crave you more but can’t let you know just yet. This drives me crazy, so scared to mess up. Like me for me and take me in your arms once again. This time don’t let go and I promise to hold on.

Circular laps running still

Remembering past decisions with no words of regret
But sometimes curiosity lingers, wondering what I have done

Have I treated others badly?
Been careless with hearts given to me?
Are my actions selfish and egocentric?

I can picture a time with you. The days we shared, the connection that came so easily.
I pushed you away and ignored what we had.
Scared by what I saw in your eyes.

Keeping my fingers crossed I hope that I wasn’t careless, hurtful.

Truth be told, I’ve thought of you often. I’m not sure how you’ve stuck around in my head.

So here we are full circle, years brought maturity, distance between.
Now our paths cross once again. Destiny is a weird game I don’t understand
Learning as I go.

Family ties

Our relationship is one of passing ships
Blaring horns hello as we go from port to port

I have no doubt you’d be there for me if a crisis arose and I needed your help.

It’s the everyday stuff I need you for. A warming voice a helping hand that I have longed for since I was a child seeking your approval but never really getting it.

To be honest our relationship sucks. I call you to talk, ask for your advice
Answer the call with an annoyed too busy for you tone of voice each time “WHAT---“ then just end the call with no goodbye

Do you know these actions hurt those around you? Do you know how the tone of your voice can make me feel useless and unimportant?

I’ve tried to build a relationship with you, one better than we have. But its been no use because each time I do it’s canceled, rebooked or forgotten.

Why do I have to get upset, frustrated with tears before you help me. This family is treading on water, relationships thin as paper.


I cannot trust you as I once did.
I tread through words to ensure my safety when I’m with you.

I’m on high alert watching my every step. Trust abused has not been earned back.

The one I relied on calls only when something is needed from me. I foolishly give and adjust myself to fit this image projected on to me.

I give you take and take some more, so wrapped up in a tiny bubble of your world. I don’t understand why you don’t care, how you act like all is normal and take from me, it’s bigger that this.

Can you see this tipping scale, it’s plain to see, careful now its all about to