Monday, March 29, 2010

Most Amazing...

Let me tell you about a woman of all time…Born in a small house, she grew up as a middle child, her fathers’ daughter and a beautiful vibrant girl. She wore pretty dresses, had beautiful golden hair, spoke ever so eloquently, and took pride in her strong relationships with her family. She grew up fast taking on the roles of a young adult very quickly. You could get by on a quarter a day; take the bus with a penny.

She grew up with no running water, no internet or phone. She worked different jobs, secretarial & childcare, all the while remaining in her hometown. She watched the city grow, as she was a bystander to its development. She stood by to see momentous changes in daily life, electricity, telephones, TVs, & indoor plumbing becoming things that no one thinks twice about. She was employed at 15, engaged at 21 and married at 22. Her favorite colour is thalo blue and she loved to curl and swim at the Winter Club. She has a love for the outdoors, the gift of a beautiful voice and a hand that captured landscapes with oil paints. She loves her cars, the Oldsmobile, the Impala and carries herself in such a prestigious manner.

She fell in love with a man that captured her soul and gave her 4 children. She’s traveled the world and shares her travels with pride, if you choose to listen. She cares so deeply for all of her family and believes in each and everyone.

If she has you over for tea, expect to be treated like royalty as she often dines with the queen. She’ll roll her eyes at you when she’s being cheeky and put you in your place if need be, her words only spoken with love. She has her own language “please pass me the jigger” but you’ll always know what she means.

This woman is no ordinary woman. She is a very special person indeed. This woman is my hero. The woman is my grandma.

Grandma, I love you more than words could ever express. Love you so! C

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Cause she’s gone gone gone gone.

Grandma where have you gone.
I haven’t felt you once, even thought I’m so broken inside.
You left too soon, taking my heart with you.

I feel numb I just want you back.
How do I go on without the woman I would run to?

I will miss our afternoon teas, our chats and goofy times together.
I will cherish my memories and be thinking of you always.

You’re an amazing lady, one of the last of your kind.
I wish I had more time.
Life won’t be the same with out you.

I love you so, goodbye.

Lifeless

This dream is my nightmare, it just won't go away.
Tensions built up in my muscles and continues to grow.
I’m hurting a hurt I have never known.

I can’t seem to fine me or where I belong.
Liquid poison numbs my thoughts, pushing normality farther and farther away.

Reality is rushing back with the force of a wrecking ball
Heading straight for me.

Standing my ground
Firm feet in spot
I don’t move, stare directly ahead
A perfect target.

Time will determine my fate as my body keeps beating my mind and breaking my heart.

This dream is my reality, this dreams my life.

Emptied Life

Hit me hard and please wake me up
Pinch me, shake me and don’t let go.
This can’t be happening.

I can’t feel a thing and yet I’m gonna be sick.

I can’t

I can’t

I can’t

Until now I didn’t have any regrets.

Must be done

The darkness brings a pain lie no other
As the clouds turn gray and release buckets upon buckets I can’t help but think they represent how I feel.
Stormy clouds settle in and are here to stay, permanently pouring down pain.

I lye awake in my bed thinking of you. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did.
Tears fall freely, I have no control now, I’ve lost another one on my search for something… something that I cannot explain.

I double think my decisions wondering if it’s right.
Assuring myself, that I don’t know what I’m doing any more.

Sad songs play on as I try to become unconscious.
Not aware that my dreams are here to torment me
No rest for now.

Keeping busy makes days pass faster, when 2 days feels like months between us.

I wish I could take away your pain, show you something better is on its way. Because as my past has shown, your one is on its way to find you, just wait.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Contained on the inside

I sit here thinking
Stressing over the idea that I could never bare to loose a friend.
I value you, your opinion and our friendship more than anything.
I was torn at what to do, not sure what you’d think,
Didn’t want to hide something so simple.

I was honest and so were you
I didn’t want any awkwardness
I understand where you are coming from and fully respect it
I love that you look out for me like that, my bestest.


I feel alone yet surrounded by too much family
So I put up a fa├žade, not letting anyone know what truly lies below.
You know the true me and see how I ache inside
With out any words from my mouth you know me too well
I don’t know how you do it
but thank you

Right now, the company is a breath of fresh air
Minds cleared
I’m not that girl
If that’s what he wants he’ll soon find out that’s not what he’s gonna get.
No strings attached


Please trust that no matter what I will be ok
Things will be ok
I’m guarded and not that simple
We used to always say everything happens for a reason; maybe that’s just it

I look to you, I hope that's ok
I have nowhere else to turn.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Not to end

Hold on please
I see that look in your eye
I don’t want to let you go

I’m not ready to loose our conversations, advice you give and your quirky sayings.

Tell me stories
I want to know more
Relive your memories here with me

I still see a spark, lingering there
But need to see more
Show me the will to hold on and be strong,
The one I’ve seen before

I will battle it to the death for you
I can’t let go, I won’t but I need your help

It can’t win if you don’t let it.
Your powerful, it's down there within

I can’t live without you, I’m not ready to loose you.

I want to see the smile in your eyes when I marry a boy I don’t know yet
You have to see me pregnant and meet my fist born child

More time in life’s precious moments with you by my side

I love you too much, I can’t let go.

Backwards

Feeling the urge to call you and you
To get back that old security blanket and find comfort where I did once before

But that blankets long since burned
Tattered to shreds and singed to bits

Its not there any longer
Only fading memories of safety and warmth

Talking to myself
I hold it all in,
One long winded conversation after another

Thoughts surround me
In front, below, behind and overhead
Challenging the facts and emotion struck ideas

Scribbling them out
I can’t push mute,
No button to pause
No emergency hatch

I want the easy
I want my one
But I can not see him?

My angel not a friend

Nope not yet
I’m not ready
Can’t deal with the stress or the thought of nothing
I need somewhere to lean on
To take these thoughts from my head

I see it waiting there
As I barricade the door
Go away

There is no right answer

If I stood here screaming your name at the top of my lungs
Would you hear me?
Would you care that I missed you?
Would you come to my rescue?
Would you know how much you hurt me and why I can never trust you?

How much longer do you remember of a time long ago, when you cared for me and I was too foolish to know
Would you remember who I am?
Would you know how to heal me?
Would you see into my eyes, into a truth that lies beneath?

Love ramblings

My mind runs miles re-thinking past loves. Those loves “in the moment” “loves for a lifetime” and “love for the one.” I re create my past decisions wondering if it could have gone any other way, if there was something I should have, could have done to change something I once knew. The feelings were real within those moments I shared. But were they real enough to last forever, to build a tomorrow on? Well, I guess not. Because if they were, wouldn’t they be here with me? Or shouldn’t they be here no matter what I did, thought I did, wouldn’t they fight? I wait, I wait for that feeling to last longer. For me to never feel the need to let go? Why is something so simple so hard? Maybe that’s it, maybe I have never known an equal love. Maybe my past is filled with unbalanced giving and taking. Taking more of me as each new “love” comes my way until there is no more me. I’m lost.

Over – with – you

You pull my emotions
Play my weaknesses
And yet I still stand there, when you call.
Our story played it self out a long time ago
Feelings crumbled and vanished forever
I’ve banished you from me but can still hear you knocking on my door

So please go away, stop that racket
And learn to live without my strength
Without me waiting there to catch you when you fall so deep down you barely recognize yourself

You can make it on your own you
Don’t need me
I’m not a security blanket for you to hold

I just can’t invest any of me into you
My heart lies with someone else much more worthy than you
Someone I care about much more than what my head will let me think