Wednesday, September 9, 2009

time --------- lost

Days have past quicker than expected.
5 days gone 3 to go
Our talks feel empty as I wish for your attention receiving not what I was looking for.
My insecurities run wild trying to see where you are.
My feelings are here but wary of you
What has happened?

Missing pages between

I sit here struggling with the thoughts in my head.
Holding something so perfect, not sure it belongs to me.
My mind wanders in paths with dead ends, places I’ve traveled long ago.

I worry about my unconscious thoughts,
those I have no control,
no power to make disappear.

With you my mind is clear, free
But my heart is not there yet

I wait for a decision to be made, for the haze to life
For me to be with you.

I miss your company when you’re gone.
Your touch, your attention,
I crave so bad.

My struggles are hidden as you assume we’re on the same page
But here I hide a chapter before you.

Fight or Flight

Retreat, retreat, turn around and run. Book it out of here; escape the reality of tripping before you fall.

Wanting your attention
Craving your touch
My heart fears pain and sends messages to my legs to run

I battle myself, trying to hold on to something I’m used to. All too comfortable with you and settling in.

This scares me more than I’ll ever admit. I fall to my knees, protected here in my sanctuary.

Sitting here peacefully, taking in the sun, the sounds of water dancing in the sea and the metallic clatter of the rising dock… my nerves relax and release my troubles into the wind.

Away they go.

I still worry of where to go, but for now I breathe a little more freely, seeing the panic is not worth anxiety’s emotional pull on my identity.

I’m good at faking normality when inside I want to shake my head and scream and run.

Abandon ship?
Sinking lifeboats.

Reality A Game?

Happiness walks in and sits on my heart.
Takes over my thoughts and consumes my days.

Your touch crashes into my body and consumes me whole.

Open and free there’s you and me and a time for us.

Keeping the pace, mind settles into a state of bliss.

Has it come again to toy with me or is this time real.

Eyes wide shut

Marching through stiff pavement the world blurs around her, passing her by. This is the day she’ll make her mark. Reciting the words to herself in an endless loop, she creates an unbreakable confidence.

Her feet send shocks through each step. Eyes set forward as the crowded sea separates to unveil her path in familiar streets filled with concerned faces.

As she approaches the crumpled structures sporting barred windows, her pace slows.

Groups of hormonal teens band together forming unofficial groups of seclusion. They stare directly into her eyes without flinching, without emotion. Empty shells.

Her determination flees, retreating so quickly leaving a hollow residue. The bell sounds. The distinct packs disperse and move towards the double doors covered in graffiti and held open by a security guard and the iron fist, in full combat gear.

She bows her head, assumes the position and follows the cattle through the gates to her own personal hell.

Her body blurs in with those of so many. Her nerves tense as she tries her best to blend in once again and not be noticed. It’s too late. They’ve seen her.

On firm thrust of their shoulders into hers acknowledges that today will be like any other.

She stumbles as the hit tricks her balance and her feet scramble to disperse the energy. Walking forward she doesn’t stop, never daring to look back. She’s all too familiar with those gazes of hatred. She can hear their comments, their giggles, and taunts. Don’t give them more, keep pace.

As she approaches her locker its no shock they’ve done it again. Graffiti can be so beautiful but this is the ink of pure evil. The words are written in thick and heavy black strokes. They took their time decorating her space.

She tries to look unfazed but is breaking and aching so bad. She can’t hide it, as the pieces of her lying on the floor around her, there for those who choose to see.

To be continued…

Friday, September 4, 2009


Tripping on yellow brook roads, tumbling my way back to you