Dreaming of what used to be

Tell me your weaknesses I’ll tell you mine.

Hold them in your hands carefully

This trust is broken when hurtful words hit hard

Your cruel behavior purposely chosen to slash my heart and make me bleed

These truths I told you now used as weapons

Slowly eat away at the love I once had for you

You tear each bit without hesitation

Watching me crumble, while feeling satisfaction

Never thought the one I cared for could act this way

Don’t know how much longer I can hold on to this happy faded image of what once was

I grasp onto it with all my might

How can you look straight at me and hurt me so

After all that I have done

All that I continue to do

All that you say you want

I’m falling away faster than you care to notice

Hurts It Stings

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You’re words are so hurtful

You really have no idea

Instead you use this tool like mass weapons

Aimed to do their worst

Stop

It’s time to turn off and block things coming from you

I see your lips move

So I create nothing but silence

Looking closer I try to read what you speak

Stop

Block those lips and fade them out

You’re just a figure standing in front of me

Silent with rage, infused with anger and ready to strike

You can’t strike when there’s no target for you to take aim

I’m stronger than this, won’t take it no more

Beat me down and I’ll try harder to tower over you

You know how to hurt me, what things to say and how to talk

Now blocked, you have no ammunition left

Needing to stop this for my own sanity

An impenetrable force field

Undeniable malfunction

Up, down. Side to side.

A fractured machine bouncing place to place

Creating misfit endings

and undone beginnings

Needing repair, ignored dismay

Pushed forward to work yet another day

Rattled banging, clashing pieces.

Dents and cracks no longer superficial

Trudging through with no end destination

Shards and fragments left behind

No longer producing end results

Failing to prevail

Two paths to be chosen

Stuck at the cross road

tittering on the edge.

Desires so far from reality

My head’s spinning.
I have nothing else to give
I’m numb with emotion
An art I once knew well lost in time and forgotten

I don’t know what to do or where to turn
I can’t feel
I want to throw up
Breaking out of learning to care
Learning to forget to make an effort
Coasting through in monotone

Unrestrained Thoughts

Each_Step_Planned_Out
Over thought and analyzed
Organized meticulously
Decisions strategically manicured

And just like that, the glass shatters
Reality ruptures, mind snaps, followed with illogical actions

Cruel words come rushing though a dam now fractured
Flooding to, searching for, bystanders in the way

Relentless and shocking storms hit hard
Radiating from her body
Heart beat rages, body heats

Relief comes as the flood finally reaches her eyes
Broken, realizing what damage has been done

Bowing her head, ashamed, devastated
A control much harder to plan

Matriarch

My eyes swell up, consumed by tears by the thought of you
The mention of your name
Passing by your familiar places
A reflection I thought I saw

How has it been a year without you?
I don’t know how I’ve done it
Without your wise advice and companionship

It was you that held the family together
The wise figure reining over us all

I wanted more time with you
Its not fair they too you

This will never be easy as I’m forced to live without you

Missing you always and
Loving you so

Chaotic Restraint

Deep breaths don’t calm the inside
Now what’s on your mind?

Impatience something difficult to over come
When nothing comes out except for manifested, unrealistic worries

A firm grip so far from reach
I like the pain
Use to the hurt
Play simplistic charades with the world

Fairytales looming in the back of my mind
Come to tragic ends in reality

Sneak away to another life
My dreams keep me safe

Living comfortably between these sheets

The first part

Head and heart
Distractions speaking gibberish
Given control and feeling weak

Lost sight of possessions that
Should never be forgotten
Decks been dealt
So flip the table, this is not definite

Me and mine, not to be held
By undeserving hands
Closed my eyes-wide-open
Seeing nothing but static

Step back and see only a
Reflection
Gone in a flash, when opportunities
Are missed

Smarter than that, take the wheel
Tie a knot around your finger
Share thoughts
Stepping through the present
Together

Here I am

Honesty is what I give
Hoping to receive it in return

Keeping fingers crossed you see something here

Something’s here,
I don’t know how but I feel it,
It feels different

I miss you and want you closer
I’ll come to you to set it straight
This is who I am
What I do best
Laying myself out there
As a target for passers by
Stop a while, join me here
Don’t walk on

Chasing TAILS

Busy busy our paths are hard to come to one
Timetables fill so quickly
While thinking of you

Your encouraging words speak positively
To a girl too fragile to admit
Controlling herself to let go

You’re a hard one to read
I want to bring you closer, but don’t know what you’re after

We have been here, a different time
I want this time to be better
Watch it grow

Why do I worry so much, how can I stop?
Maybe it’s because this will happen
And deep down I’m scared to be vulnerable

When intentions come to surface
I want to be yours

Emotionally Fragile Confidence

My strength is when I’m with you
Strongest when I’m in your arms
No manifesting self talk, or words whispered in my ears
My self assurance at an all time high

We part, my confidence powerful
A force to be reckoned with
I smile when I think of us

As time passes in both our hectic lives
Gaps between slowly take me away

Nerves break in and make me anxious
Past heart triggers not easy to forget

Are you all like that?

Taking what I want, I don’t like games
Brain washed by the poisonous thoughts of others
I hesitate with each action
I stop myself from reaching for you
Wanting nothing more but to feel wanted back

My desire for you runs thick
A magical depth for you to discover

Circles

Waiting for things I have no control over is hard for me to handle
I sit and busy myself while the thought lingers literally driving me mad

It’s silly what can be constructed in my mind with foolish ideas implanted

I worry when worrying gets me now where and produces no results

Weak in the knees

Splitting myself in two
Much harder than it seems
When all I want is you

Trying to tear head from heart
When mind speaks words the heart does not want to hear
Heart retaliates more powerful than ever
The battles begun

Awkwardly nervousness seems to explain the way I am
Worried about getting hurt and wandering down that same old road
Yet this road isn’t something familiar

Wishing I could step back and learn to listen to my instincts

Things happened so quickly I can’t find which ways forward
Where’s my next move?

I need to relax but I don’t know how
Jump ship or wait till you play your next card?
The beginnings so confusing
Feeling so amazing with you
I’m afraid
Moving so fast I can’t keep up with the pace

I’m not that girl, nervous and jealous
But it’s created when chance encounters present obstacles for me
I run straight into them, a full body collision
Not knowing what to do

Can we just fast-forward together to a time I’m yours and you’re mine

My hearts in deep and my head even further
I’m so flabbergasted

I can’t tell what this is or really explain what’s going on
Please make the move and claim me for you to keep
Vulnerabilities not easy to swallow

Intensity erupts

Your hands over my body create a natural ecstasy from head to toe

My toes curl as you draw me closer
Holding me tight and taking control

This intensity makes me go wild
As I try to mute my passionate cries

Power like this doesn’t come easily but some how you’ve take the reigns and pulled me in.

Being in your arms is euphoric
Take me closer and do it again

My breathing turns erratic as sweat beads on my body
I escalate with you to a point I can’t hold on
Muscles tense and twisting

Released from within I gasp for air and feel sensations so intense
Lying back, I begin to catch my breath once again
Still in your arms
Not leaving your side

Taken by it

Close my eyes, I dream of you
Open them again and you’re still there

Smiling and looking back at me
I could get lost in your eyes

Leaving me wanting more, I wanna pull you close, but before I do,
You take the action first

There’s no rules this time, games all played out
It’s just you and I
It’s just real

Give me butterflies once again and I’ll take you further with me
I’m pleasantly surprised by this feeling you have with me
I’m awkward because you make me happily nervous, those butterflies don’t leave

Your touch just feels so genuinely right
Come and hold me more

True North

Questioning simple ideas but taking leaps of faith when caught by you

I look to your eyes and see something, I’m not sure what to do

Our paths crashed together once again
It just seems natural

I kid, you joke, as flirting takes a sharp left turn and morphs
Purity, Passion is just there.

Something about you makes me want to hold on tight and not let go.

My nervous giggles vocalize a power you have taken over me

As I breathe deeply I try my best to take my time,
Hoping you will keep coming to me

A pull that cannot be denied.

Can yesterday continue today?

Not thinking straight, my head jumbled with thoughts.
Wanting things that scare me blind
I can’t think clearly, my decisions chosen quickly and carried out clumsy reactions

Words make no sense, guarded by emotions that give me butterflies
I’m so scared, I stand still to immobilize chaotic ideas around me
When nothing stops I don’t know what to do

Years apart melt away as if everything happened yesterday, is now today,
your hold so familiar

What do I want, what do I need, what do I say when my nerves freeze as soon as words pass through my lips.

For the first time I have no idea what I should do. I crave you more but can’t let you know just yet. This drives me crazy, so scared to mess up. Like me for me and take me in your arms once again. This time don’t let go and I promise to hold on.

Circular laps running still

Remembering past decisions with no words of regret
But sometimes curiosity lingers, wondering what I have done

Have I treated others badly?
Been careless with hearts given to me?
Are my actions selfish and egocentric?

I can picture a time with you. The days we shared, the connection that came so easily.
I pushed you away and ignored what we had.
Scared by what I saw in your eyes.

Keeping my fingers crossed I hope that I wasn’t careless, hurtful.

Truth be told, I’ve thought of you often. I’m not sure how you’ve stuck around in my head.

So here we are full circle, years brought maturity, distance between.
Now our paths cross once again. Destiny is a weird game I don’t understand
Learning as I go.

Family ties

Our relationship is one of passing ships
Blaring horns hello as we go from port to port

I have no doubt you’d be there for me if a crisis arose and I needed your help.

It’s the everyday stuff I need you for. A warming voice a helping hand that I have longed for since I was a child seeking your approval but never really getting it.

To be honest our relationship sucks. I call you to talk, ask for your advice
Answer the call with an annoyed too busy for you tone of voice each time “WHAT---“ then just end the call with no goodbye

Do you know these actions hurt those around you? Do you know how the tone of your voice can make me feel useless and unimportant?

I’ve tried to build a relationship with you, one better than we have. But its been no use because each time I do it’s canceled, rebooked or forgotten.

Why do I have to get upset, frustrated with tears before you help me. This family is treading on water, relationships thin as paper.

Unbalanced

I cannot trust you as I once did.
I tread through words to ensure my safety when I’m with you.

I’m on high alert watching my every step. Trust abused has not been earned back.

The one I relied on calls only when something is needed from me. I foolishly give and adjust myself to fit this image projected on to me.

I give you take and take some more, so wrapped up in a tiny bubble of your world. I don’t understand why you don’t care, how you act like all is normal and take from me, it’s bigger that this.

Can you see this tipping scale, it’s plain to see, careful now its all about to
Topple.