My thoughts, poems and short stories

Unrestrained Thoughts

2011-03-21T23:58:00.001-07:00

Each_Step_Planned_Out
Over thought and analyzed
Organized meticulously
Decisions strategically manicured

And just like that, the glass shatters
Reality ruptures, mind snaps, followed with illogical actions

Cruel words come rushing though a dam now fractured
Flooding to, searching for, bystanders in the way

Relentless and shocking storms hit hard
Radiating from her body
Heart beat rages, body heats

Relief comes as the flood finally reaches her eyes
Broken, realizing what damage has been done

Bowing her head, ashamed, devastated
A control much harder to plan

Matriarch

2011-02-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

My eyes swell up, consumed by tears by the thought of you
The mention of your name
Passing by your familiar places
A reflection I thought I saw

How has it been a year without you?
I don’t know how I’ve done it
Without your wise advice and companionship

It was you that held the family together
The wise figure reining over us all

I wanted more time with you
Its not fair they too you

This will never be easy as I’m forced to live without you

Missing you always and
Loving you so

Chaotic Restraint

2011-02-27T09:19:00.000-08:00

Deep breaths don’t calm the inside
Now what’s on your mind?

Impatience something difficult to over come
When nothing comes out except for manifested, unrealistic worries

A firm grip so far from reach
I like the pain
Use to the hurt
Play simplistic charades with the world

Fairytales looming in the back of my mind
Come to tragic ends in reality

Sneak away to another life
My dreams keep me safe

Living comfortably between these sheets

The first part

2011-02-08T22:46:00.000-08:00

Head and heart
Distractions speaking gibberish
Given control and feeling weak

Lost sight of possessions that
Should never be forgotten
Decks been dealt
So flip the table, this is not definite

Me and mine, not to be held
By undeserving hands
Closed my eyes-wide-open
Seeing nothing but static

Step back and see only a
Reflection
Gone in a flash, when opportunities
Are missed

Smarter than that, take the wheel
Tie a knot around your finger
Share thoughts
Stepping through the present
Together

Here I am

2011-01-31T22:45:00.001-08:00

Honesty is what I give
Hoping to receive it in return

Keeping fingers crossed you see something here

Something’s here,
I don’t know how but I feel it,
It feels different

I miss you and want you closer
I’ll come to you to set it straight
This is who I am
What I do best
Laying myself out there
As a target for passers by
Stop a while, join me here
Don’t walk on

Chasing TAILS

2011-01-31T22:37:00.001-08:00

Busy busy our paths are hard to come to one
Timetables fill so quickly
While thinking of you

Your encouraging words speak positively
To a girl too fragile to admit
Controlling herself to let go

You’re a hard one to read
I want to bring you closer, but don’t know what you’re after

We have been here, a different time
I want this time to be better
Watch it grow

Why do I worry so much, how can I stop?
Maybe it’s because this will happen
And deep down I’m scared to be vulnerable

When intentions come to surface
I want to be yours

Emotionally Fragile Confidence

2011-01-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

My strength is when I’m with you
Strongest when I’m in your arms
No manifesting self talk, or words whispered in my ears
My self assurance at an all time high

We part, my confidence powerful
A force to be reckoned with
I smile when I think of us

As time passes in both our hectic lives
Gaps between slowly take me away

Nerves break in and make me anxious
Past heart triggers not easy to forget

Are you all like that?

Taking what I want, I don’t like games
Brain washed by the poisonous thoughts of others
I hesitate with each action
I stop myself from reaching for you
Wanting nothing more but to feel wanted back

My desire for you runs thick
A magical depth for you to discover

Circles

2011-01-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

Waiting for things I have no control over is hard for me to handle
I sit and busy myself while the thought lingers literally driving me mad

It’s silly what can be constructed in my mind with foolish ideas implanted

I worry when worrying gets me now where and produces no results

Weak in the knees

2011-01-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

Splitting myself in two
Much harder than it seems
When all I want is you

Trying to tear head from heart
When mind speaks words the heart does not want to hear
Heart retaliates more powerful than ever
The battles begun

Awkwardly nervousness seems to explain the way I am
Worried about getting hurt and wandering down that same old road
Yet this road isn’t something familiar

Wishing I could step back and learn to listen to my instincts

Things happened so quickly I can’t find which ways forward
Where’s my next move?

I need to relax but I don’t know how
Jump ship or wait till you play your next card?
The beginnings so confusing
Feeling so amazing with you
I’m afraid
Moving so fast I can’t keep up with the pace

I’m not that girl, nervous and jealous
But it’s created when chance encounters present obstacles for me
I run straight into them, a full body collision
Not knowing what to do

Can we just fast-forward together to a time I’m yours and you’re mine

My hearts in deep and my head even further
I’m so flabbergasted

I can’t tell what this is or really explain what’s going on
Please make the move and claim me for you to keep
Vulnerabilities not easy to swallow

Intensity erupts

2011-01-09T00:40:00.000-08:00

Your hands over my body create a natural ecstasy from head to toe

My toes curl as you draw me closer
Holding me tight and taking control

This intensity makes me go wild
As I try to mute my passionate cries

Power like this doesn’t come easily but some how you’ve take the reigns and pulled me in.

Being in your arms is euphoric
Take me closer and do it again

My breathing turns erratic as sweat beads on my body
I escalate with you to a point I can’t hold on
Muscles tense and twisting

Released from within I gasp for air and feel sensations so intense
Lying back, I begin to catch my breath once again
Still in your arms
Not leaving your side

Taken by it

2011-01-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

Close my eyes, I dream of you
Open them again and you’re still there

Smiling and looking back at me
I could get lost in your eyes

Leaving me wanting more, I wanna pull you close, but before I do,
You take the action first

There’s no rules this time, games all played out
It’s just you and I
It’s just real

Give me butterflies once again and I’ll take you further with me
I’m pleasantly surprised by this feeling you have with me
I’m awkward because you make me happily nervous, those butterflies don’t leave

Your touch just feels so genuinely right
Come and hold me more

True North

2011-01-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

Questioning simple ideas but taking leaps of faith when caught by you

I look to your eyes and see something, I’m not sure what to do

Our paths crashed together once again
It just seems natural

I kid, you joke, as flirting takes a sharp left turn and morphs
Purity, Passion is just there.

Something about you makes me want to hold on tight and not let go.

My nervous giggles vocalize a power you have taken over me

As I breathe deeply I try my best to take my time,
Hoping you will keep coming to me

A pull that cannot be denied.

Can yesterday continue today?

2010-12-25T01:29:00.000-08:00

Not thinking straight, my head jumbled with thoughts.
Wanting things that scare me blind
I can’t think clearly, my decisions chosen quickly and carried out clumsy reactions

Words make no sense, guarded by emotions that give me butterflies
I’m so scared, I stand still to immobilize chaotic ideas around me
When nothing stops I don’t know what to do

Years apart melt away as if everything happened yesterday, is now today,
your hold so familiar

What do I want, what do I need, what do I say when my nerves freeze as soon as words pass through my lips.

For the first time I have no idea what I should do. I crave you more but can’t let you know just yet. This drives me crazy, so scared to mess up. Like me for me and take me in your arms once again. This time don’t let go and I promise to hold on.

Circular laps running still

2010-12-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

Remembering past decisions with no words of regret
But sometimes curiosity lingers, wondering what I have done

Have I treated others badly?
Been careless with hearts given to me?
Are my actions selfish and egocentric?

I can picture a time with you. The days we shared, the connection that came so easily.
I pushed you away and ignored what we had.
Scared by what I saw in your eyes.

Keeping my fingers crossed I hope that I wasn’t careless, hurtful.

Truth be told, I’ve thought of you often. I’m not sure how you’ve stuck around in my head.

So here we are full circle, years brought maturity, distance between.
Now our paths cross once again. Destiny is a weird game I don’t understand
Learning as I go.

Family ties

2010-12-25T01:16:00.000-08:00

Our relationship is one of passing ships
Blaring horns hello as we go from port to port

I have no doubt you’d be there for me if a crisis arose and I needed your help.

It’s the everyday stuff I need you for. A warming voice a helping hand that I have longed for since I was a child seeking your approval but never really getting it.

To be honest our relationship sucks. I call you to talk, ask for your advice
Answer the call with an annoyed too busy for you tone of voice each time “WHAT---“ then just end the call with no goodbye

Do you know these actions hurt those around you? Do you know how the tone of your voice can make me feel useless and unimportant?

I’ve tried to build a relationship with you, one better than we have. But its been no use because each time I do it’s canceled, rebooked or forgotten.

Why do I have to get upset, frustrated with tears before you help me. This family is treading on water, relationships thin as paper.

Unbalanced

2010-12-25T01:10:00.001-08:00

I cannot trust you as I once did.
I tread through words to ensure my safety when I’m with you.

I’m on high alert watching my every step. Trust abused has not been earned back.

The one I relied on calls only when something is needed from me. I foolishly give and adjust myself to fit this image projected on to me.

I give you take and take some more, so wrapped up in a tiny bubble of your world. I don’t understand why you don’t care, how you act like all is normal and take from me, it’s bigger that this.

Can you see this tipping scale, it’s plain to see, careful now its all about to
Topple.

Matching Pieces

2010-11-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

What blows through my mind when I think of you

Puzzles with no pictures, feelings undefined

Distance tames a heart too quick to jump in the deep, too giving before it’s earned

A links been open, I’m feeling pulled in a direction with small stepping stones

It’s these stones that turn to fast, forming leaps of faith. Reminding myself there’s no rush. I clench my teeth and resist the urge.

Another moment with you, come closer.
I have you already; you make me nervous too soon

Fits on all ends

X D

2010-11-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

A vision you’ve created, now take stance!
A creature I dread and feel no connection too.

What have you done with words in print, pure ignorance, sheer adolescence

I walk in fear as I stay in the light, terrified you’re in the shadows. Keeping a watch on my every move.

Pace grows faster as I sprint away from you. All relations ceased, finger held firmly on the panic, keys in hand.

You’ve twisted a framed disaster, how do you feel now?

Time to stop you're teetering on insanity

No ties left, they’re all undone
Leave me here, don’t you dare come back
I was done before we even started

Crumbling

2010-11-07T21:26:00.001-08:00

There’s a wrecking ball inside my head destroying all my sanity.

Shutting the door with your foot in the way

2010-11-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

Leaving me with questions. I can’t find the words. What was this thing now passed by?

Linger here longer, playing stories in your head. They eat away at a heart forced not to feel.

I’m standing strong, hold my ground. You don’t know me, only a flicker that once past.

Keeping links open, do you know what you do? I’m done trying it's up to you.

I turn my back and walk away, picking up pace the further I stray.

In Control

2010-11-07T21:22:00.000-08:00

A change for the better
A change for the worse

Who is this
Someone not often noticed
Full of false hopes and useless fillers

It’s different here, pealing back protective layers
Care is given freely but never asked in return

Too proud to admit defeat
Too concrete to appear weak

A stone stood tall with long blond hair
Seeing a reflection for the 1st time

Loving yourself comes easy for most
But now must be learned
As the for the first time, the needs of others placed last

Burn The Doormat

2010-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

My emotions seem to build and attack a heart already broken
Along the way I’ve lost control and miss-placed this confidence

Strength is something I will rebuild
Trust in my instinct redeemed

My hearts done being weak. I’ve learned too much the hard way.

So goodbye mistakes, there’s no place for you here
As I pick up my sword then shield the powers that once consumed me

Thick skin, something I once had. Will sustain this form again.

Awakening the inner Scorpio, I rise once more.
Reborn to take possession of my true destiny

My heart still cares, surrounded by guards of war.

Stealthy moves

2010-11-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

A creeper out creeping, there’s mistaken confidence translated to friendship
Casual banter transforms into innocent flirtations.

Standing back waiting, need more
Wanting.

Wet Air

2010-11-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

Drowning in the wind, I can’t get out
These gusts come rushing over my head and pull me under

Floating here I can’t tread the wind
Rolling blankets capsizing and vigilantly drawn below

Forced Mutation

2010-08-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Fleeing to water taking in the air, a salty pungent smell. Street lamps barely light these pages as the sun bids good night to the moon. Loved ones collide and come together, yet here I sit alone.

City lights sparkle like stars before their time. Surrounded by beauty, greedily wanting more.

Turning a page, I learn to care less changing who I am as I carefully piece swatches of fabric together to embody my next act.

When truth means nothing, words unsaid are feelings left unacknowledged.

Now there's nothing

Balance Abandoned

2010-08-26T23:15:00.001-07:00

Frustrated with life, wanting escape
But craving companionship

Try to gain control
But loosing strength

Being supportive
But not being heard

Disturbed Anger Saddens my Soul

2010-08-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

Go to that place you won’t find me there
No escape from this, there’s no way out

Don’t ask me how I feel, you’ll get no answer out of me.
I suffer in silence with no one there.
I will not speak.

My hand reaches out, the worlds too busy without me.
I walk this tight rope road, with bloody stains marking my path.
It digs in, a raging pain that never leaves.

This pain won’t get into me, it won’t take control.
A wall that will not fall, even as pieces crumble away.

My perspective is missed, as again and again it gets dumped on me.

Where’s my angel, left me alone always
My wings damaged from giving too much

I can’t voice these frustrations that float about.
Interpretations take too many liberties without seeing true meaning.

I’d leave if I could, run from it all
These anchors hold me in place as I tug and pull trying to get free,
Running on this treadmill, too long

Sick with pain, it’s all buried in here
Coming up to hurt me more as I dig deeper to hide it all

It's lonely here, with only this ghost standing by my side,
shaking his head in disappointment
Not speaking at all

My strength is only here because I am as stubborn as can be
Don’t want to be alone with my thoughts I drowned them out with mind numbing routines, just to pass time

I’m hurt but I can’t tell you, you can’t hear me as I am.
So instead I vent to paper without judgment.

Obscure impression

2010-08-23T00:01:00.001-07:00

I reach for you, but you’re not there
You have no face because I don’t know who you are

A figure of my desires not yet reality

Left here with no instructions
Lost on a path that cuts in all directions

Bumping along the ground is sharp and digs deep

Blood seeps out
Continue on

Path ahead
Don’t go back
Waiting
It will come with
Time

Deliberation

2010-08-23T00:00:00.002-07:00

Dizzy with words
Flying by
Pressing against lips
But never liberated
Imprisoned between mind and heart

The bitch you all made of me

2010-08-23T00:00:00.001-07:00

Pin it down
Contain it all
No drops plunge
No sounds made

Dig it up and burry it all
Holding your breath in shades of purple

Strength taken
Confidence gone
Here come the costumes
Frills and embellishments

Once was now

2010-08-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

Looking back to press forward
Conjuring strength to manifest control
Taking it all back
Rewinding pitfalls, a firm grip with idealism

Pealing back layers,
To better discover
Once was true predicts the future

Snarley

2010-07-05T21:17:00.001-07:00

There once was a girl much older than her years lived. Her experiences taught her life lessons much earlier than most. She lived through times one cannot imagine and came through as a strong woman.

But, she did not know of this strength.

She was an analyst, insightful about all those around her. If you’d ask her to help, she wouldn’t hesitate to lend a hand. She was beautiful inside and out. She had a way about her that attracted others to her.

But, she was not conscious of the power she held.

She was a healer, a caregiver to those around her. Many were captivated by her presence and yet she struggled with the messes of day-to-day life. Her mind beat down her passion as often she found herself thinking too much.

So here you are my darling, see what we all see here: A strong woman, with amazing power, grab hold and experience what is simply waiting for you to find. Let those thoughts drift out of your mind and release them to paper, don’t look back, don’t share, let them sit on these pages and vanish.

Just know this, you’ll be ok. I promise it will all work out. Learn from the experiences presented to you and tackle the next.

Inevitable

2010-06-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

As I step back my wall slowly appears in front of me
All too familiar
I watch it grow as the block breaks the path between you and I

You’ve done it now, there’s no turning back
Stepping tippy toed, taking a glimpse of a power you once held so ignorantly

Sad thing is, you don’t even know
I’ve captured you already
Just wait and see
It will become clear, when time decides

The tricky things is
My heart moves on, not held in one place
My peace has been said

Yours is stuck, you’ll feel it soon
As you shut out the panics of your mind and finally hear your heart

It will all come undone for us see
Hidden between the two

Learn from it now,
Don’t let me be.

Impossible

2010-06-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

I catch your eye
Just a glance, a smile
Walk my way; I’ll run a mile

Don’t come close
Toxic as can be
Fall too easily
Not easily fallen

Waiting, waiting
Time ticks on
No changes here as I carry on

Keep walking
Pass me by
Not worth the time

Without an answer…

2010-05-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

I think I’m little too jaded by my past. These things that I have moved past still haunt me when I’m not paying attention. Stuck here on these pages I ramble on and keep dumping this torment on you.

I’m sick of being stuck; putting so much effort in for others and not getting anything back. It hurts when you find yourself alone too much, loosing more inch by inch as time passes.

I am tough when I lie to the world around me about my thick skin. I bleed just as easy when no ones looking.

I’ve learned to parade around, bending the truth, displaying this mannequin as my true identity. I can’t remember the last time I was me, no holding back. I look out for others but don’t know how to look out for myself.

Truth is you wouldn’t even recognize me if you met me. My act edited for every detail. Seeing this transpire… a car crash you can’t take your eyes off.

I don’t know what I want, or what can fix this labyrinth I navigate through daily. Stopping stopping to translate this mess. I spill through my fingers to liberate the pressure.

?Me? ?Myself? & ??

2010-05-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing the conversations you hold in you head for no one else to hear, every word unsaid. Contemplating life, everyday choices, what’s happening and where to go.

I imagine how things could be different, where I might be, who I could be. I yearn to live in the moment, fly off the handle and act irrationally. Instead I require planning and too much control over my own destiny, am I asking too much?

I’m learning to let go and relax within each situation; my life is mine to make what I want.

I’ll admit I’m a little lost, unable right now to read where I should go.

My commitments here, keep me locked in place. Even though my soul fights to be free. I need to find my escape, my something to discover. For I feel as if I’m settling for the life of the norm.

I desire to be carefree and to do as I please. To speak my mind, affect the life of others and to make a difference.

It’s all happening too slowly. Am I stuck in one place? Or can I not see what I already have?

I will find my answers, when it’s time, here reading between the lines.

Safeguard

2010-05-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

I sprinkle my fairy dust over you to keep you safe
This way you’ll keep while I’m gone

My effect on you and all the others goes unnoticed until there’s no dust let to save you from yourself

Everything comes crashing down as it all blows away
No tiny grains left to ease the damage
Not knowing or understanding what’s going on, you call out for help
Seeking your angel once again.

Reaching for me, sometimes feels too far
Taking all your strength
Careful not to fall, you grab your guardian once again

Holding me by the hand, shielded by my power
Encased by gentle wings

Craving the protection, my power to relieve your pain
Careful with what you do
Don’t drain me down, I can not deny your needs

Unleash the Unknown...Exhale

2010-04-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Darling your mind is torturing your body with everything, too busy to stress, too stressed to be busy.

Occupying your mind with too much taken on, the silence hurts more than it should, when holding conversations with your heart and your head.

I repeat advice I finally learned to take myself… breathe in and out and release it all
No holding on, don’t keep it all for later.
Talk to me, always close to listen

I worry about you and wish I could make it all better.
But for now we’ll take one step at a time
Let me carry some weight it’s just too much to hold.

This is it

2010-04-28T23:23:00.001-07:00

Systems functioning as normal as can be.
Fuel can be toxic, the engines strong, no putters, no misses spitting out

Pointing a finger at two, I blame you and you
No pressure left, nothing to stress
It’s me that I want to be, can finally be.

Anxiety is something that only comes around from time to time, yet its gone before the urge to run and break free could ever take me over… as it once did

Funny how things are connected that way.
Never would have known without the perspective of jumping out and stepping back away from you two.

This is my now as I march forward freely.
My past is a part of me that can no longer control my mind, suffocate my soul or trash my heart.

It covers my body as I’m ready for the unimaginable and the ecstasy I know awaits me.

Waiting to finish

2010-04-28T23:17:00.001-07:00

So much I want to write down
No patience to spill, it won’t be authentic
So drained when I do
Difficulty writing the parts of me to pages of my life, that’s stuck in one spot…
The end is only the beginning
Of another chapter
Another piece that needs to be told
And not undone

?Me?

2010-04-28T23:13:00.001-07:00

Where am I now with all that I have? A support system for many, a rock they say… with no tears. I learn through experience. Hard to take advice from others.
Suborn.

Wish you were HERE

2010-04-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

I sit here in pain, looking at pictures of you, of us
Tears come to my eyes, but I won’t let them out.

It’s hard to deal with the fact that you’re gone
Gone forever

I’m aching, just wanting you back
I’m not ready to do this without you

I don’t know how to make it stop, I’m not sure what to do

I busy myself, to occupy my thoughts
Only to find it hurts even more when I stop.

Most Amazing...

2010-03-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about a woman of all time…Born in a small house, she grew up as a middle child, her fathers’ daughter and a beautiful vibrant girl. She wore pretty dresses, had beautiful golden hair, spoke ever so eloquently, and took pride in her strong relationships with her family. She grew up fast taking on the roles of a young adult very quickly. You could get by on a quarter a day; take the bus with a penny.

She grew up with no running water, no internet or phone. She worked different jobs, secretarial & childcare, all the while remaining in her hometown. She watched the city grow, as she was a bystander to its development. She stood by to see momentous changes in daily life, electricity, telephones, TVs, & indoor plumbing becoming things that no one thinks twice about. She was employed at 15, engaged at 21 and married at 22. Her favorite colour is thalo blue and she loved to curl and swim at the Winter Club. She has a love for the outdoors, the gift of a beautiful voice and a hand that captured landscapes with oil paints. She loves her cars, the Oldsmobile, the Impala and carries herself in such a prestigious manner.

She fell in love with a man that captured her soul and gave her 4 children. She’s traveled the world and shares her travels with pride, if you choose to listen. She cares so deeply for all of her family and believes in each and everyone.

If she has you over for tea, expect to be treated like royalty as she often dines with the queen. She’ll roll her eyes at you when she’s being cheeky and put you in your place if need be, her words only spoken with love. She has her own language “please pass me the jigger” but you’ll always know what she means.

This woman is no ordinary woman. She is a very special person indeed. This woman is my hero. The woman is my grandma.

Grandma, I love you more than words could ever express. Love you so! C

Cause she’s gone gone gone gone.

2010-03-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

Grandma where have you gone.
I haven’t felt you once, even thought I’m so broken inside.
You left too soon, taking my heart with you.

I feel numb I just want you back.
How do I go on without the woman I would run to?

I will miss our afternoon teas, our chats and goofy times together.
I will cherish my memories and be thinking of you always.

You’re an amazing lady, one of the last of your kind.
I wish I had more time.
Life won’t be the same with out you.

I love you so, goodbye.

Lifeless

2010-03-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

This dream is my nightmare, it just won't go away.
Tensions built up in my muscles and continues to grow.
I’m hurting a hurt I have never known.

I can’t seem to fine me or where I belong.
Liquid poison numbs my thoughts, pushing normality farther and farther away.

Reality is rushing back with the force of a wrecking ball
Heading straight for me.

Standing my ground
Firm feet in spot
I don’t move, stare directly ahead
A perfect target.

Time will determine my fate as my body keeps beating my mind and breaking my heart.

This dream is my reality, this dreams my life.

Emptied Life

2010-03-25T20:24:00.001-07:00

Hit me hard and please wake me up
Pinch me, shake me and don’t let go.
This can’t be happening.

I can’t feel a thing and yet I’m gonna be sick.

I can’t

I can’t

I can’t

Until now I didn’t have any regrets.

Must be done

2010-03-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

The darkness brings a pain lie no other
As the clouds turn gray and release buckets upon buckets I can’t help but think they represent how I feel.
Stormy clouds settle in and are here to stay, permanently pouring down pain.

I lye awake in my bed thinking of you. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did.
Tears fall freely, I have no control now, I’ve lost another one on my search for something… something that I cannot explain.

I double think my decisions wondering if it’s right.
Assuring myself, that I don’t know what I’m doing any more.

Sad songs play on as I try to become unconscious.
Not aware that my dreams are here to torment me
No rest for now.

Keeping busy makes days pass faster, when 2 days feels like months between us.

I wish I could take away your pain, show you something better is on its way. Because as my past has shown, your one is on its way to find you, just wait.

Contained on the inside

2010-03-09T00:26:00.000-08:00

I sit here thinking
Stressing over the idea that I could never bare to loose a friend.
I value you, your opinion and our friendship more than anything.
I was torn at what to do, not sure what you’d think,
Didn’t want to hide something so simple.

I was honest and so were you
I didn’t want any awkwardness
I understand where you are coming from and fully respect it
I love that you look out for me like that, my bestest.

I feel alone yet surrounded by too much family
So I put up a façade, not letting anyone know what truly lies below.
You know the true me and see how I ache inside
With out any words from my mouth you know me too well
I don’t know how you do it
but thank you

Right now, the company is a breath of fresh air
Minds cleared
I’m not that girl
If that’s what he wants he’ll soon find out that’s not what he’s gonna get.
No strings attached

Please trust that no matter what I will be ok
Things will be ok
I’m guarded and not that simple
We used to always say everything happens for a reason; maybe that’s just it

I look to you, I hope that's ok
I have nowhere else to turn.

2010-03-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

Not to end

2010-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

Hold on please
I see that look in your eye
I don’t want to let you go

I’m not ready to loose our conversations, advice you give and your quirky sayings.

Tell me stories
I want to know more
Relive your memories here with me

I still see a spark, lingering there
But need to see more
Show me the will to hold on and be strong,
The one I’ve seen before

I will battle it to the death for you
I can’t let go, I won’t but I need your help

It can’t win if you don’t let it.
Your powerful, it's down there within

I can’t live without you, I’m not ready to loose you.

I want to see the smile in your eyes when I marry a boy I don’t know yet
You have to see me pregnant and meet my fist born child

More time in life’s precious moments with you by my side

I love you too much, I can’t let go.

Backwards

2010-03-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

Feeling the urge to call you and you
To get back that old security blanket and find comfort where I did once before

But that blankets long since burned
Tattered to shreds and singed to bits

Its not there any longer
Only fading memories of safety and warmth

Talking to myself
I hold it all in,
One long winded conversation after another

Thoughts surround me
In front, below, behind and overhead
Challenging the facts and emotion struck ideas

Scribbling them out
I can’t push mute,
No button to pause
No emergency hatch

I want the easy
I want my one
But I can not see him?

My angel not a friend

2010-03-03T23:04:00.000-08:00

Nope not yet
I’m not ready
Can’t deal with the stress or the thought of nothing
I need somewhere to lean on
To take these thoughts from my head

I see it waiting there
As I barricade the door
Go away

There is no right answer

2010-03-03T22:59:00.001-08:00

If I stood here screaming your name at the top of my lungs
Would you hear me?
Would you care that I missed you?
Would you come to my rescue?
Would you know how much you hurt me and why I can never trust you?

How much longer do you remember of a time long ago, when you cared for me and I was too foolish to know
Would you remember who I am?
Would you know how to heal me?
Would you see into my eyes, into a truth that lies beneath?

Love ramblings

2010-03-03T22:50:00.000-08:00

My mind runs miles re-thinking past loves. Those loves “in the moment” “loves for a lifetime” and “love for the one.” I re create my past decisions wondering if it could have gone any other way, if there was something I should have, could have done to change something I once knew. The feelings were real within those moments I shared. But were they real enough to last forever, to build a tomorrow on? Well, I guess not. Because if they were, wouldn’t they be here with me? Or shouldn’t they be here no matter what I did, thought I did, wouldn’t they fight? I wait, I wait for that feeling to last longer. For me to never feel the need to let go? Why is something so simple so hard? Maybe that’s it, maybe I have never known an equal love. Maybe my past is filled with unbalanced giving and taking. Taking more of me as each new “love” comes my way until there is no more me. I’m lost.

Over – with – you

2010-03-03T22:49:00.001-08:00

You pull my emotions
Play my weaknesses
And yet I still stand there, when you call.
Our story played it self out a long time ago
Feelings crumbled and vanished forever
I’ve banished you from me but can still hear you knocking on my door

So please go away, stop that racket
And learn to live without my strength
Without me waiting there to catch you when you fall so deep down you barely recognize yourself

You can make it on your own you
Don’t need me
I’m not a security blanket for you to hold

I just can’t invest any of me into you
My heart lies with someone else much more worthy than you
Someone I care about much more than what my head will let me think

Where’s the emergency exit?

2010-02-23T22:38:00.001-08:00

Testing, testing 1,2,3…
Here we come reminding you of where you’ve been
A flash of light, a glimmer you catch
Putting pressure on cracks once healed

Reliving those moments of desire, rethinking choices and paths chosen

In the face of pain, not to repeat
Emotions that had no foundation

Hope remains something unseen, hearing the words but needing proof

Was it here or there or somewhere between?
Was it true or a trance of perfect?
That only lives in the young hearts untouched by wicked

It’s a balancing act of survival you see
Meet on need but not the other
Time to trip and fall, with no sharp landings.

Timid Control

2010-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

Delusioned boy acting out lies of insecurities
Wants the best of two worlds
Barely living in one, while keeping a firm grasp on the other. She’s not allowed to leave

You could be happy living in one world
Along side one with no balancing act between your thoughts

Yet your indecision remains in each step you make keeping the fog pulled over your eyes.

When judgment crosses

2010-02-23T22:24:00.001-08:00

The truths been told
Laid out clearly to see
Relief has come for brief moments of peace

Curious confusions put to fact
What was there all along
Confirmed

Yet stress and panic crash down once more
As I live here with you, in the shades of gray

I can’t explain it I just know its you
But not willing to admit it, I live in rhymes waiting for your move

You know its here as you ignore our passion
In a stage you haven’t worked through, not ready to move forward

Time will come I’m sure
You’ll see
When final decisions live eternally from our connection

No where to turn I stare blankly in front of me
Seeing nothing but haze.

Ridged Solution

2010-02-23T22:16:00.001-08:00

A fairy tale façade chips away as piece-by-piece reality takes stage.
I crumble inside holding together the parts of me force apart and heading in different directions.
Inspirations left me falling into something so liquid

Giving up the things I love
I’ve lost a part of me from there to here

Completing a circle I find myself where I once was before.
Torn between him and a dream of you.

Sometimes I think too much but say nothing at all

2010-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

Paralyzed from emotions of sorrow
I sway in still-time
Overwhelmed by a sickening feeling in my gut

I watched as it slowly fell to pieces
A bystander to destruction

Walk away with pain in your eyes
I hurt you too much
While causing you to feel something too real

In the blink of an eye it’s gone
Lost back where it begun
Too far ahead there’s no going back

The hardest thing my heart made me do was to tell you I don’t love you
I do not hate just care too much
I see where you have gone

As anger builds within, heal the wounds
And release the pain
For what not easy was never meant to be

Across from me?

2010-01-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

I sit here across from you
Seeing your lips move with no sounds
I wonder if I missing it
If it’s sitting here in front of me
As I watch it pass me by

Ever wonder when we know
How to tell which way to go
You’re here with me
But only for now
As our path separate
Diverge once again

Flash encounters of life
Looking for the thing we need
Seeing it starring back at me

strangled simles

2009-11-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

Pushing together strangled smiles
The world distorts the truth around me
Hidden words spewing from everyone, hit me like razors
targeting my heart

time --------- lost

2009-09-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Days have past quicker than expected.
5 days gone 3 to go
Our talks feel empty as I wish for your attention receiving not what I was looking for.
My insecurities run wild trying to see where you are.
My feelings are here but wary of you
What has happened?

Missing pages between

2009-09-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

I sit here struggling with the thoughts in my head.
Holding something so perfect, not sure it belongs to me.
My mind wanders in paths with dead ends, places I’ve traveled long ago.

I worry about my unconscious thoughts,
those I have no control,
no power to make disappear.

With you my mind is clear, free
But my heart is not there yet

I wait for a decision to be made, for the haze to life
For me to be with you.

I miss your company when you’re gone.
Your touch, your attention,
I crave so bad.

My struggles are hidden as you assume we’re on the same page
But here I hide a chapter before you.

Fight or Flight

2009-09-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Retreat, retreat, turn around and run. Book it out of here; escape the reality of tripping before you fall.

Wanting your attention
Craving your touch
My heart fears pain and sends messages to my legs to run

I battle myself, trying to hold on to something I’m used to. All too comfortable with you and settling in.

This scares me more than I’ll ever admit. I fall to my knees, protected here in my sanctuary.

Sitting here peacefully, taking in the sun, the sounds of water dancing in the sea and the metallic clatter of the rising dock… my nerves relax and release my troubles into the wind.

Away they go.

I still worry of where to go, but for now I breathe a little more freely, seeing the panic is not worth anxiety’s emotional pull on my identity.

I’m good at faking normality when inside I want to shake my head and scream and run.

Abandon ship?
Sinking lifeboats.

Reality A Game?

2009-09-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

Happiness walks in and sits on my heart.
Takes over my thoughts and consumes my days.

Your touch crashes into my body and consumes me whole.

Open and free there’s you and me and a time for us.

Keeping the pace, mind settles into a state of bliss.

Has it come again to toy with me or is this time real.

Eyes wide shut

2009-09-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

Marching through stiff pavement the world blurs around her, passing her by. This is the day she’ll make her mark. Reciting the words to herself in an endless loop, she creates an unbreakable confidence.

Her feet send shocks through each step. Eyes set forward as the crowded sea separates to unveil her path in familiar streets filled with concerned faces.

As she approaches the crumpled structures sporting barred windows, her pace slows.

Groups of hormonal teens band together forming unofficial groups of seclusion. They stare directly into her eyes without flinching, without emotion. Empty shells.

Her determination flees, retreating so quickly leaving a hollow residue. The bell sounds. The distinct packs disperse and move towards the double doors covered in graffiti and held open by a security guard and the iron fist, in full combat gear.

She bows her head, assumes the position and follows the cattle through the gates to her own personal hell.

Her body blurs in with those of so many. Her nerves tense as she tries her best to blend in once again and not be noticed. It’s too late. They’ve seen her.

On firm thrust of their shoulders into hers acknowledges that today will be like any other.

She stumbles as the hit tricks her balance and her feet scramble to disperse the energy. Walking forward she doesn’t stop, never daring to look back. She’s all too familiar with those gazes of hatred. She can hear their comments, their giggles, and taunts. Don’t give them more, keep pace.

As she approaches her locker its no shock they’ve done it again. Graffiti can be so beautiful but this is the ink of pure evil. The words are written in thick and heavy black strokes. They took their time decorating her space.

She tries to look unfazed but is breaking and aching so bad. She can’t hide it, as the pieces of her lying on the floor around her, there for those who choose to see.

To be continued…

-----

2009-09-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

Tripping on yellow brook roads, tumbling my way back to you

Hormonal outbursts

2009-07-04T16:44:00.001-07:00

Loosing control and tumbling down
It’s much steeper than expected

Casual ignorance’s are quick to notice and struggle for the upper hand

No power to hold steady, the spiral quickly consumes the fall

Power is not theirs to have
Do not be blinded by difficulties that test abilities to survive

Gaining momentum
Yet holding the cards

It’s a domain missing order
Focus is lost,
Lessons ignored

Courage is hard to find when waiting for time to pass by

Finding footprints and traveling to where time stands still

See innocent eyes and desires to learn
Teachings to grow

Wandering Wonder

2009-07-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

Happy with him, my thoughts are clear
Heart is present and wanting more.

When he’s not near my mind wanders
Some how finding its way to you

I’ve let go of our connection
And yet its still there
Catching me off guard and causing me to wonder

My strength weakens when it comes to you
The one that left me so confused

No passionate moments to prove me right
I fell for you, only through sight
No touch of your lips or sweet caress

I’m waiting here
Moving on, living as if I’m strong without you

The act becomes easier as time passes me by
My emotions held by two

He’s nothing like you
Our connections completely different.
Its new and exciting
Innocent and easy
Communications no puzzle I have to decipher
Its open and free

I can’t help these emotions left here from you
The remainders of something so perfect
The remainders of what you took from me.

I piece myself back together, with one gap to fill

You hold the piece, I need it back

Link vanishing

Golden gloW

2009-07-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

Hitting the ground in powerful rays
Rolling over and under, weaving its way
Capturing everything in a blanket wrapped tight

Crafting a beauty we all escape to
It caresses our bodies as it reaches our souls.

Life changes beneath the unquestionable force

Broken lips learn to smile once more
Healing old pains and creating a healthy now

Simply complex

2009-07-04T16:06:00.001-07:00

Seeing this in front of me it’s hard to believe.
I wonder how it happened… how I ended up in your arms so fast.

My minds weary,
barricading a heart that has already fallen in too deep.

Pushing forward,
These thoughts aside
I relax and take it all in.

I’m living in a fantasy here with you. Learning how things should have been all along. Things this easy are meant to transpire.

Games are forgotten as only truths are spoken.

I spend my time in aw of you.
Watching something building in front of me, something surrounding me,
And yet I have no fear of where your intentions lie.

Some how I find myself …
bewildered by how simple the complex used to be.

Hearts UNtouched

2009-07-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

Attention spans flicker
like fractured and broken light bulbs stolen by flashes of gibberish and sounds of chaos.

Contact between pen and paper
occur in rhythmic spasms, spinning fragmented thoughts and creative syntax’s

Lips are curled
in a frozen grimace

Eyes winking at one another… we’re not really working

Game over, they’ve got it.

Vocal Assault

2009-07-04T15:36:00.001-07:00

Attacking kindness with words of destruction
Pushing forward armed and ready
Advances test patience
With rage and intentions to kill

Make believe

2009-06-26T19:28:00.001-07:00

A reflection shimmering back, telling a story with no words. Ask questions.

Squinty eyes concentrate hard. Head aches from attempted thoughts, when emotions run unstable.

Dusty outlook, nothings simple as it used to be.

Right and wrong difficult to decipher.

Time changes so fast
Nothings permanent
Too much is forged

Frame me in this

2009-05-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

Life lingers there, within reach
To be invented, formed
Bent into reality

Create a masterpiece, a work of art
And stand there in the middle

Taking charge everything’s within your grasp
To dream is to believe
For it all to happen

Strength and courage build power
Build character, build you

The bad pushes buttons
A test of character

Worn out roads are hard to travel
Seeing only the path less chosen
Navigate past to clarity

It’s important to see, you’re right where you need to be
Acknowledge what’s really there
Looking beyond the emotions floating around

Truth is some things will get worse before they get better
Trying your tired soul, and aching body
Other things only get better

Listen and learn
Act and care
Never loosing yourself

Take stress and handle it bit by bit
Stay away from the gray, it will eat you alive

Speak truths, sincerity
It’s hard to find

It will all come
Time
To emerge from black
Spring loaded surprise

One moment takes shape
With each days break

Lifes Edge

2009-05-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

Standing at the end, rocks trap her feet. Tall spindly grass scales the cliff side in a desperate search of a hospitable home. Below, all is still. Framed into a photograph of no action, she remains. Sturdy and tough, her body like a boulder. Looking out into an endless horizon, she feels pulled away from where she thinks she belongs.

The waters calm and serene, almost winking at her, enticing her, testing her will to choose her own path.

She ponders life. Dreams the impossible. But tires her soul.

Time ticks away as she stands still. Questioning right/ wrong, morals and beliefs; hesitant to make a move... when nothings ever perfect.

Change affects everything around her. Her environment begins a magical metamorphosis.

The wind carries in a sweet nectar as the wave crash through peace. Yet silence persists.

Bewildered.

Dividing Worlds Collide Again

2009-05-10T23:01:00.001-07:00

Connecting us to each other
It’s become a tool that pushes everyone further away

Words of kindness, praise, and love, have no voice
Letters in fine print speak no emotion

A world of vast advances encourages seclusion through encrypted messages

Intended to make life easier and that is has.
But left us with no ability to communicate true words… emotion, compassion and care

So immersed in individualized worlds
So much goes unsaid.

These worlds need to collides, touch
To remind the truth to exist

Holding on to the now, ready for what’s next but keeping human touch

To feel safe, whole
To remember how to socialize and love one another

… when our worlds collide.

Once Upon A Happily Ever After

2009-04-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

Tell me a story that begins with once upon a time. A sweet tale that ends in happily ever after…

Once upon a time a boy meets girl and admires her from afar. Too nervous for words his body dares not to move in her direction. He waits in time, watching. Falling in before he knows it.

He catches a glimpse of that sparkle in her eye, the cheeky curl of her lip and her wacky facial expressions. He notices her heart on the edge of her sleeve and wonders how long she has worn it that way. The beauty of this selfless act leaves him in awe. Deeper he goes.

When he looks at her time freezes, making each moment a magical daydream. Hair glowing golden flows around her face, framing her stunning smile and juicy lips. He sees each movement as a graceful dance. He is the only one in the audience. The curves of her body call to him, telling him to stay longer.

Standing there he takes it all in, solid like a cement status he holds on to each moment for later.

Building strength and taking a step forward, he leans in to whisper in her ear. She stops and listens quietly. All sounds disappear as the two of them are whisked away. Turning to see him she smiles, like she already knows him. But, just as nervous as he. She steps into his world.

And just like that their tales begun, as quick as it was. He pursues her with an utterly true purity of adoration, knowing he’s found something unlike anything else. He has never been here before. Never allowed things to get like this.

She watches his actions with questions. Learning about him from each interaction. Enjoying the power of his confidence and the safety she feels in his arms. Holding back what she knows, she tries to take each moment for what it is. She looks into his eyes to learn more. He turns away.

She pictures the future with him and forgets to live in the now. Damaging their connection, it was never intentional. Steps start walking backwards, as distance pushed them apart.

Loosing intensity he felt so strong he backs away to test her reaction. She plays the game and continues walking backwards only hurting herself more. Panic settles in and takes over her thoughts. She thinks of him often. He does not give in, desperately wanting her to come back.

He wonders why she walks backwards so quickly, not realizing that she keeps tripping on her own two feet. Something’s just not right.

Backing into a barricade her heart placed there without her mind knowing, she realizes her faults. It takes two. Following her crooked path forward, she crosses her fingers hoping it will lead back to him.

She ends up back at his door, with no courage to knock. Staring at the chipping paint and her reflection in the door handle, she freezes. Taking erratic breaths of air she attempt to calm her nerves. Relaxing her body if only a bit she makes a fist and goes to knock.

Sitting on his couch staring blankly into the TV, he doesn’t know what to do. Feelings that come so fast are hard to be true. Yet she’s on his mind he can’t deny, it can’t be ignore any longer. Taking a stand he makes a choice. Marches to the door grabs his keys and unlocks the latch.

And at the very moment he turns the knob her hand makes contact with the door. The sound echoes through both of their ears, like the beating of a powerful drum. How did this happen? She smiles nervously as his hands drive straight for her face. He brings her into him and kisses her so passionately. She melts in his arms. That night they found one another... happily ever after.

Off Course

2009-04-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

I disguise myself for you.
A figure of me stands in place.
I appear strong and confident; when in truth there is a lot I hide.

Beneath the surface lies tales of hurt and betrayal that make it difficult to trust.
Insecurities live here reminding me how powerless I am.

I do not know what to do
What move to make
Or how to find you

I’m lost in my own thoughts
Over thinking my actions
over and over

I have fallen hard,
Fallen deep down and I am still climbing out
Looking for the strength that has been taken from me and made me frail

Take a chance on me
I’m well worth the wait
Give me a chance to show you me and for me to find a way to you

I wish I could escape from my own head
These thoughts hurt me too often and cause replayed pain… Again

I want peace of mind
I want time with you
Guiding my way… Through crumbled directions and an outdated map

A wink or two

2009-04-20T23:05:00.001-07:00

I need sleep, something my brain ignores but desires so badly. Forcing movement, my actions grow tired. Words speak gibberish. Not allowing myself to rest I ensure my own suffering for I think I have control over the things that make no sense and float in my head as questions to complex to touch.

The games we play without playing...

2009-04-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

He approaches her with a liquid confidence so true. No is not an answer. Second try, now her attention is grasped. Clouds beneath while they hover in mid air tangled together. The rules are broken, when eyes are blinded. Successful attempts lead to repeat encounters of ecstasy. Dawn breaks with passionate embraces, quick goodbyes and a strong face to greet reality with a sweet hello. Frequent touch leads to unspoken concerns. Slowly working their way to the surface. Past wounds bleed again, as actions are surrounded by uncertainty and infatuation. Passion explodes when reality is held back. Confidence remains when 2 become 1 and bolts back again when real shapes are taken. The truth lingers there beneath the surface, waiting to be captured… To be discovered. Strength slowly withers away and weakens one, empowering the other. Time wasn’t taken, when moments were stolen. Bowing her head and admitting defeat she disappears into the shadows. It takes time to see what was there and what was lost. He doesn’t know.

Foolish Avoidance

2009-04-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

Colliding with liquid
Faster hits harder
Not moving out of the way, it consumes everything running though a network of tracks
Pulling one direction
Tricking minds
To see something that was never there
… that was created as an illusion to escape the truth
Like an addiction it makes you want more
The feeling doesn’t get better
Things don’t look good
It will be retold
Regurgitated stories in porcelain frames

In DrEaMs

2009-04-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight I close my eyes and fall into an angry nightmare. Enclosed by death, demented life and tortured souls. I dare not move.

Power within me builds until I cannot hold it anymore. Tonight I breathe in deeply and throw daggers at you... my target

All in black, my eyes are frozen, breaths shallow in a face with no feeling. I am bitter, holding the remains of a dark, defective and cracked heart.

I do not feel. I take aim and release with a vicious wave of hate. One dagger after another passes through the tips of my fingers on a collision course, only for you.

No one dares to come near. It is me they all fear. Never believing I could come to this.

Built up frustrations are yours to hold. I don’t even see you.

I’m much stronger than you anticipated. Relentless hits, create pure destruction.

I do not stop. Hostility.

Cracks expand and grow all over your body. They’re crackling shrieks echoing off sharp rock faces that now surround us.

You can’t take it; this lesson does not give up. The crackling intensifies as your body quivers.

And then in one magnificent moment the force breaks through, with a low howling depth and takes your soul.

My arm collapses and falls to my side, hand shaking with rage.

I awake from pure evil to see nothing in front of me but look down to see a hollow nothingness in my chest. I cannot feel.

I am capable of much more than you think. You don’t know me one bit.

Self-Inflicted Agony

2009-04-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

In a shell of a body I drag myself from point A to be
Jerking my legs into action
Bones ache, muscles throbbing
Painful steps detached
Loosing pace with my mind

Proceeding forward I neglect my own screams
Distracting pain with motion
Throbbing aches diminish

Strength is liquid at this point
Flowing in every gesture
Agony in pain I fear

Pushing too hard
I continue on, reshaping my frame
Transforming me
Living life
Feeling restored

Seductive Potency

2009-04-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

Your gentle touch sends shiver through my body
Rolling like waves,
Creeping and crawling down my spine to the tips of my curled toes

I’m relaxed in moments of passionate rage
An intoxicating craving
Wanting more, but cautious to let you in
Barriers crumble as we crash through my defenses
Giving in

Look deep into my eyes
Kiss me now and take me further
Into an ecstatic trance
Where the world melts away
Leaving only you and I

Sounds disappear, encapsulated in this ferocious fire
Only melodies of two hearts beating as one
Chased by echo’s of erratic breaths

Tightly griping your body, clenching my teeth
I’m whisked away from reality
To a euphoria of astonishing colors
A place we run wild
Don't let go

Exposed

2009-04-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how you got me here
To this place that I let go and become so vulnerable

This chance isn’t given to many
Taken my hand
Leading me away

I like the power you choose to take and the little things you do
Together I’m happy, apart wanting more
It's simple, there’s something there

Fearing where this is going
I want answers to questions I dare not ask

This is a feeling I’ve missed
An attention I barely recognized
A connection that is just different

I let go of the wheel and steer straight
no swerves

Consider THIS

2009-04-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Is it that hard to believe I’m happy being me
My emotional ups and downs present only in my head and in these words placed into stories.

If you knew me you would not recognize me from my scriptured thoughts.
This part of me only visible to very few.
Seeing body and ink, rarely the two combine

I’m in control of my path and will not let the world get to me

My words are an escape from the conversation of thoughts in my head
Analyzing the environments I’m submersed in

I find peace in music
Plunking on the piano and enjoying sweet melodies
Getting lost in nature, surrounded by nothing
No one, not a sound

I am strong and sturdy
Taking pleasure in the small things in life
Living each moment in turn

Puzzled

2009-04-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

The games we play bend and curve the truth so far past anything recognizable
I don’t know what is and what isn’t

Left and right have no significance

2 steps ahead
Loosing speed
and walking backwards

I’d read your mind if I could see
See who you really are, where you’re going, what you’re thinking

But I cannot let you in
I’m still lost in my own jumbled identity

Patience is something I need
You cannot force things that should not be

Back to the boards for now
Thinking strategy all too often
I move my knight
You capture the heart of my queen
Every time

Smiles turn to panic when you’re not near
Too many thoughts run through my head
Aiming at my heart with daggers

If things were easier, I’d loose all the excitement
The emotional battleground we fear so passionately
But crave so desperately when we are not standing in the cross fire
On the battle fields of uncertainty

Taking this in and breathing
I talk up my own self-confidence
and march forward, in a strong suit of armor
Trembling inside as I slowly learn what way to turn
Straight ahead

I only fear what’s happened before.
This is now
I am no longer
Her

So hard to envision the unknown
Taking the moments with you as they come
Blossoms take shape and form delicate little flowers
To fragile to pick
Admired from afar

Twisted sleep

2009-04-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

Close my eyes and lye me down
Falling into tormented slumber

A world appears around me
Built up brick by brick
Each fine line and intricate detail take shape, surround by thick black lines

I’m taken to a world where things are never as they seem
A twisted reality, fashioned from fears, hopes, desires and needs

Its dark, this manic fairytale
Harsh stories and strong ambitions
I find myself playing a character that could be me?

I’m sick with happiness
Navigating through demented romance.

Thinking clearly I have no conscious
I do not speak
My words transform to action, taking leaps and bounds to find what I am searching for

What’s in fact is searching for me

Big Block

2009-04-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

Inspiration is what I seek.
A character to jump from this ink, only a backdrop
And dance around its readers

Stuck in a circle of familiar phrases, pains, memories
Lacking new ideas to bring to life

A tale of a young boy
A little girls fairy tale
brought to reality
All so artificial

I seek silence surrounded by music
Waiting to be knocked out by something great

Rambling about sad tales and dreams of hope
My encores endless

It’s sure to happen
Some time soon
Change and growth continue inflating

Take a seat
Sit back and relax
Just breath
Be a part of my ride
And enjoy the scenery

Running in SPOT

2009-04-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

Moving forward but standing still.
My head is with me, body ready.

Alone in a crowded room
Smiling as I move through
My heart is not here

It's somewhere lost from then to now
Stuck in a moment
I search for it relentlessly
Trick it with others, ignoring the feelings it produces
Like a hard working machine chipping away at my subconscious daydreams

Moved on from the past; learned mistakes and tragic ends only a memory

Ready for the exciting
Pushing doors open
And keeping my presence there.

Living life alone, searching for companions to ease our pains and deliver our wants.

Lyrical goodbye

2009-04-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Turning upside down and inside out
Seeing black and gray
It’s cleared now, no more just no more

I’ve morphed into who I’ve become
To a place I wanna be
A place that’s me… more than before

Chorus
So why can’t you see who I’ve become
I’m not the girl I used to be
The girl you think you still see
Time has moved and changed a lot
So quit being so naïve, actions can’t change, words can’t bring it back

The games been played its over and done with
I brunt the rules and move beyond
Broke free from something that was not me

The truth is so much easier to see,
Steeping forward clearly
Not blinded by things I could never control
But achieving everything I never could

The picture you form of me
So distorted and delusional
There is no mold I fit
No labels to define

Chorus
So why can’t you see who I’ve become
I’m not the girl I used to be
The girl you think you still see
Time has moved and changed a lot
So quit being so naïve, actions can’t change, words can’t bring it back

Its been said
It’s all dead and done
I think its time you let me be
No turning back anymore
I let go
Its only sweet history
My heart can’t feel you and my head doesn’t hear
Walk away, get out and go

Chorus
So why can’t you see who I’ve become
I’m not the girl I used to be
The girl you think you still see
Time has moved and changed a lot
So quit being so naïve, actions can’t change, words can’t bring it back

So why can’t you see who I’ve become
I’m not the girl I used to be
The girl you think you still see
Time has moved and changed a lot
So quit being so naïve, actions can’t change, words can’t bring it back

Missing days and months back to you

2009-03-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

Boy runs away, it’s his turn to leave.
Not sure where to go, what move to make next.
He continues,
going away from you.

Running from truth, running from fear, he does not stop to listen
No hesitations… not one thought.
Away he goes.

He feels nothing,
his body is numb.
The world stops around him as he runs by, not noticing all the greatness around him.

He does not understand that things move forward even when you stop looking.
The world cannot pause for one to catch up to life.

It’s all changing,
There’s no way to reverse. He can’t go back.

On and on he goes,
as hours mesh into days, weeks just a blur of colors that he passes by.

Until one day he finally wakes up and realizes his faults.
he was running away from what should have been.

Tracing back his steps, he gets lost along the way searching for the thing he feared the most.
The thing his heart now aches for.
You.

He didn’t know it was you.
He did not see you standing there till now.
He did not look closely enough.

Time has a funny way of bringing us back together,
in a huge jigsaw puzzle.
Everyone searching for the right piece.
The missing piece.

But do not worry...some how the puzzle transforms into a masterpiece of life.

Once Upon A Time

2009-03-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Do you remember a time
when the world was only as big as your own personal stage

When emotions were heightened and words could form daggers
each one making their mark. The good and the bad

When life was simple.
No responsibilities, no bills, no obligations.
It was just you, and your world packaged by friends and family.

When learning happened naturally. But days were much longer.
Minutes lasted for hours and sunny days never ended.

When sarcastic judgments hurt and torn at your very soul,
Causing you to tremble and fall apart.

When your identity was a fight, with hormones and a mix of emotions you never understood.
Meanings coming to be, when the time was right.

When summer seemed to last forever and best friends were really there
….through everything.

It was a time we will always remember.
A time we wished we did more and took bigger risks.

It was a time of discovery.
A time of joy, sorrow, excitement and fear for the unexpected, the unimaginable and the amazing.
All happening at the same time.

It was a time, when we were invisible. When we could achieve anything
but did not have the confidence to know what we were truly capable of.

It was a time when things were cheaper and candy was a full course meal.

Yet, life is much more complicated than I once thought

Here now, looking back at then
I smile at the choice I made, the mistakes I suffered through, the happiness I celebrated and the pain I overcame.

Now I have the confidence to succeed as my identity continues to expand.

I would not change any of my actions.

These are the important pieces of me.

Rock Bottom

2009-03-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

Found her in a place I’d never go. A place I’d never wanna be. Used and abused her body re-plays the chaos of what once was important… to her.

Eyes so empty. A body, only bones. Tears shimmer as they are sucked into her tired skin.

She looks up at me with an expressionless expression, so lost, so broken.

Hollow.

Her long brown hair hangs in clumps hiding her bare jagged shoulders. She’s covered in a fine layer of dust. As if she was an old broken and chipped lamp that no one touched.

Only one strap holds her cotton gown. It manages to keep the fabric draped over her body. Once upon a time a beautiful dress now the remains of sad stories and played out battles. Blood, sweat, tears, and dirt.

Her knees are cut, scabs still leaking. Hands shake as she tries to steady her body against the rocks.

She sits there like a crumpled cardboard box, uncomfortable with who she is, where she is and what she has become.

Reaching out my hand, she turns away, shuts her eyes, braces her body and pretends to hide. Harm has been done. Is it too late?

Realizing her faults she examines me bottom up, from feet to head. Scanning every inch until she reaches my eyes. Looking deeply into my soul as if she might recognize me now, if only she could look harder.

This is the end of the beginning.

Naked & Vulnerable

2009-03-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today’s the day I change my path. I take a stand to bare all. There’s no holding back, nothing left unsaid. Everything out for you to see; naked and vulnerable. No gimmicks, no sugar coating, no bells and whistles. Only the raw truth for your eyes to see.

Today will change our path. This fog we’re floating in will be forced to clear. Hear my words clearly and feel my heart strong and true behind each expressed desire. This is not an easy task, but it must be done.

So listen carefully to what you hear, what you see, what you feel. Imagine what it would all be like without me. I say this in kindness wondering what if. What if us? What if I did not exist, would be things be ok?

I’ve laid it all on the line. I’ve given you time, I’ve given you space. Know that even though we don’t speak you’re often in my thoughts. Controlling my emotional hills and dips from afar.

You will not know a thing about my emotional struggle as you meet my strong façade. But, look deeply... you just might.

Realize what’s here in time, before I fade away.

Encapsulated musical moments

2009-02-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

Isn’t it weird, how a song can take you back to a moment in time? A moment, which at the time seemed so insignificant, it held no importance. You could have never known the effect it would later produce each and every time the notes danced around you.

Then out of no where the melody attacks your body, the lyrics act like a time machine and whisk you away, back to that very moment, that tiny section in your life's saga.

Your emotions react to every beat, every lyric; while your body feels that moment in time. That moment you shared, that moment you lost. The feel of your clothes against your body, the look on his face, the love you felt. Smells are brought back strong and potent; emotions take a leap backwards and consume your nerves. Every part of your body. Your mood is instantly affected as your emotions overwhelm your senses with past desires, wants and worries. You are encapsulated in that moment. Your present emotional being becomes insignificant as you peer through a lens, watching your past replay.

I once thought that moment was nothing, and yet I am reminded of it every time that song plays. I have moved passed, forgetting, and wiping the slate clear. But as the song plays I pause and take it all in. I smile as the notes touch my heart, I do not remember it in pain. I remember that moment in time we shared, when you were mine and I was yours.

As it ends, my body is released from a bubble of my past. I am left with an emotion so sweet that ended a long time ago. It reminds me that its possible and when it’s my turn it will be back again.

Do not remember those moments in pain. They happened to prepare us for something. Something we could never understand at that moment. Don’t run away from the lyrical memories; take it in and breathe. All these moments are important. But don’t linger too long, your future is much too important. Learn to live in the now.

Quickies

2009-02-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

I was too blind to see,
What’s not easy
Was never meant to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too good to be true. To hard to be good.
A connection so strong waiting to be caught.
Gaining momentum, lingering there

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a roller coaster going through the inclines and drops. Funny, I don’t remember buying a ticket or taking my seat. What happened.

Masquerading as a friend

2009-02-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

She reads you like an open book, knowing which way you will turn, what path you will take before you’ve even chosen.

She gives you water as you run your marathon and then awaits you at the finish line when you have achieved your goal. Arms wide open.

She anticipates your falls and has the bandages out and ready before you’ve been hurt. Helping you back on your feet, she’s there smiling back at you.

She does not judge you or waste time in anger. She is happy and radiates joy.

She is your best friend, your other half, a guardian angel. The girl of your dreams. You just can’t see it.